It's very nearly the end of a strange year. We began settling into our new home in West Jordan. It took several months (and loads of help from our amazing family and friends!) to get it livable. Mike was feeling extra tired and couldn't shake his cold. On April 26, Mike had some tests run and we found out the reason behind him not feeling well for the past few months. May 7, we got the biopsy results. May 20, Mike had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. July 28 he began 6 months of chemotherapy. Those 6 months seemed to fly by (Of course, I wasn't the one being slowly poisoned..) And now he is done! We will have a CT scan done on December 27 to see if there is anything to see. Assuming there is not, we will still be visiting with the oncologist every 3 months for the first year. Until it's been 5 years with no sign of cancer cells, we cannot say he's "cured". But at this point, we are going to say that the cancer is in remission.

Sophia started talking so well this year. I used to worry that she would never learn to talk, and now there are time I wonder if she'll ever be quiet :) She is growing up so fast. She takes life head-on at a full run. She is so full of energy and light that we are constantly on our toes with her antics. Yesterday, she called Santa Claus 3 times to request movies and toys. So much for letters. She is currently re-decorating the Christmas tree. Re-arranging the ornaments her way. She gets her way a lot! We've been making a lot of sugar cookies this week, and she is addicted to the frosting. The other day she even scooped the frosting right off of Averi's cookie when Averi wasn't looking. She is such a turd!

We've had a very strange year, but we've been blessed throughout it. We've gotten closer to family and friends than ever before, and we've laughed more than we've cried. We can't ask for much more than that!

We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and that the coming year brings wonderful opportunities for you all!

My house smells like Christmas trees. We bought ours tonight. We'll let it fall out and decorate tomorrow night. It's a great tree. It's hard to believe it's been a year since our first Christmas in this house. We had no furniture in our front room. Now it's loaded with toys, a couch, a rocking chair, a rocking elephant, a mini piano.. It's been quite a year.

Sophia slept in her room last night. 100% in her room. It was a rough night for the two of us. She wanted to be with Mike and I and I wanted to sleep. When she stretches out on her mattress, she's got about 4" before her feet hit the edge. Oish. My baby needs a twin size bed. She is so big and so amazing and so.. two. It's going to be hard to put away the crib (it's a crib that transitions to a toddler and then full size bed) But her room wont accommodate a full size. So we'll pack the crib away. The one we set up for our Charlotte, and left up for a lonely, terrifying year while I was pregnant with Sophia.

I'm trying to step down from my Celexa, but that's a story for another night.

Let me start by outlining my least favorite things about winter, just to get them off my chest. 1- Driving in the snow. Snow is fine, and almost beautiful. As long as it's not on the roads and sidewalks. 2- Dry air = dry, itchy skin. Very dry. Very itchy. Painful. Boo. 3- Dry air = static everywhere. Have you every tried making a tutu when everything is sticking to itself and you just want to scream? Try it. 4-gas/electric bills. Ugh. 5- Not being able to go to the zoo/park/etc. It's so cold and it seems like Sophia has a cough every time I turn around. Poor kiddo :(

And now, here we are. We are sitting in the therapy room at Utah Cancer Specialists for the last time. Mike is asleep. We are running waaay behind schedule. Rough start for chemo. His first blood draw wouldn't clot so they had to re-draw and re-run his labs. His creatinine was higher than "normal" so the machine kicked it out. Start over again. Finally after being in the chair for over an hour, the lab sent out his drugs. And now we have 3 more hours. I'm super restless and just want to walk around. But the place isn't that big and I think I was making the office people nervous. FB games are boring today and magazines can't hold my interest. Mike's BP is really (really) high. So again with the screwing around with the medicines. Our hope is that when the meds are out of his system, his BP will even out again. Chemo is not good for the blood. haha. Sigh. We're scheduling a CT for 2-3 weeks from now. We have to do it without IV contrast, so we'll just see what we can see. We meet back with Dr. Chandramouli in 4 weeks and we'll get the results and talk about where we go from here. Should be that we'll just come back in every 3 months and a CT once a year. It's been a strange year. But it's ending on a high note.

I haven't noticed the month flying by. It's gone now.

Tomorrow is Mike's last day at chemo. He will have his pump until Friday and then he is done. We will squeeze in some scans by the end of the month to see that there is no sign of disease left.

I cleaned today, trying to get ready to decorate for Christmas. But I am so easily distracted that nothing got done. I haven't had time to think about Christmas cards or parties. I've been in retail hell. And of course the holiday sadness is setting in. I am thankful for Celexa, but it can only do so much.

I have been very thankful lately. But unfortunately I do my best thinking in the car and by the time I make it to my computer, my thoughts have turned away from my blog and toward dishes. Or Hulu. Today I am thankful for my home. It is warm, it is full of laughter. It is always a mess, but it usually smells good. It is our first home. We own every inch of it. We own the leaf covered lawn, the box-filled garage, the toy-covered carpet. We have filled it with our love, our laughter, our lives. I am thankful for our home because it is something we built as a family.

Today I am thankful that I live in a country that tries to include it's citizens in its government. I voted today. I know that people whine that voting doesn't make a difference and that politics are full of empty promises. But how is sitting on your couch going to fix that? Our world isn't perfect. And maybe we cannot make enough of a ripple to fix the big things. But one little step in the right direction in a start.

Last year on Facebook, every day in November, many people would post something they were thankful for. I am going to do it again this year, and I want to try to post here, as well.

Today I am thankful that we received our tax rebate for the house. We can now pay off our appliances and breathe a little bit easier. It's been a rough year. The money doesn't fix it, but it means one less monthly payment, which is big in our world.

I remember when I was a kid, jumping off of my bed into the hallway where the light was on. I was sure there was something hiding under my bed and it couldn't get me if I was standing in the light. I hope Sophia is never scared of those monsters.

Every time I hear that song, it's like Charlotte is saying hello.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I cannot believe it's the end of October. Where the hell did this year go? I know I didn't spend it sleeping. I wouldn't be this freaking tired. And since when did my life become so busy? I haven't been spending my usual hours online. So why is my house a wreck and my garage still full of boxes? How in the hell did the year go by without anything being accomplished? I know we were snowed by the cancer stuff, but there is life outside of cancer. I just don't know who's living it.

It's odd how it comes and goes. By Friday evening, I wasn't crazy anymore. But the holidays are coming, and birthdays. I am thankful for Celexa.

Some nights are really hard. After I say my prayers and I try to sleep. And some nights all I can do is lie awake and think about Charlotte. Usually it's little things like how she would kick so much, and so hard. But tonight it all came back at once. The pizza dance she did. How we were so sure that she would love her pizza her whole life. That she would always do her pizza dance for us. The hot chocolate that I drank gallons of that winter, because she liked it so much. And how when I was holding her in my arms, I couldn't stop kissing her face and telling her how sorry I was. To this day, I'm still not sure what I was apologizing for. For not keeping her safe, I guess. For not being a good enough mommy to keep her. For now knowing that something was wrong. I think about how I was relieved when it was time for the people from Primary Children's to come and get her. Because I thought when she was gone, it would stop being real. It would stop hurting so much. We made them take her blanket because it was the middle of winter. I have never stopped wishing I still had that blanket. It was minty green with blue and pink giraffes on it. I was thinking about how when I would drive to work in the mornings, I would play the CD i made for her. "Fireflies" by Faith Hill. I still cannot listen to that song without her. She wont get to believe in Peter Pan. She was so alive. I would sing to her, every single day. I talked to her non-stop for 8 months. She was real. She was alive. And then she was gone. And some days it feels like it didn't happen. It feels like she's a fictional character in a story I've told too many times. And just saying that out loud makes me want to curl up and die. How can it feel like my baby, my child, my hope, my life.. how can it feel like it was a dream? But I remember when I was in labor, and I had the extra pain medicine (because of the epidural that dripped down my back instead of into it.. because of the pitocin that caused contractions so hard that the nurses freaked out because they thought my uterus would rupture..) and I could not feel anything. When my doctor told me to stop pushing for a second, and I didn't hear her, or just didn't listen. And her shoulders came out and I needed stitches. That was real. And I think about that, and I lay in my bed and writhe in agony because it was real, and I haven't forgotten. But everyone else has. I think about how they moved me out of my room in L&D and stuck me in a room in the basement of the hospital. Like they were hiding me. Like I was a dirty secret. The nurse there was horrid and to this day, I still can remember how she seemed so cruel, and yet I thought maybe they hadn't told her why I was there, and that's why she was rude. How the next day a nurse came in with a Rubella vaccine and made me take the shot, even though I was arguing and crying. And it hurt like she'd stabbed me with an ice pick. All I wanted to do was go home and forget that I was alive.

Lately, every time I see her name, it makes me lose my breath. I wont get to see her name on a check. I wont get to write about her first steps, or her first date. Her beautiful name, that we spent so much time deciding on. Her name that is a song, and a wish, and a beautiful memory. And I can't even keep it for myself.

I miss her so much that I can't catch my breath. So much of my days are spent pretending life is okay. That the sun is shining. But so much of the day is consumed by a need to hold her. To see her eyes, to hear her voice. I want to talk to her. I want to reassure her that I would save her if I could. That I wanted her more than I wanted to breathe. That I still want her more than there are stars. That she can never be replaced. That the hole in my heart is deep, and wide, and endless.

Mike's cast came off today. So that's good news.

I've had some serious ringing in my ears for a few weeks now. It got really bad when I was taking antibiotics. Those ended yesterday and I have high hopes that this will go away. It actually keeps me awake at night. It's 40 degrees at night and I have to sleep with the fan on just for the noise. But that reminds me that I haven't taken any sleeping pills (of any sort) in several days. Maybe a couple of weeks? Since I have to get up at 5:30am, I wont be trying them tonight.

I just spent over an hour in the garage, cleaning. I filled both the trash, and recycle bins. It looks worse now. I told Mike that the garage will be cleaned out by the end of the weekend, so we can start parking both cars in there. I don't think I realized how much crap we have had sitting in there since we moved in (10 1/2 months ago..) I threw away a lot. Including gift bags that I've been holding onto since Charlotte's baby showers. I know, realistically, that I can't hold on to stuff just because it reminds me of her. But it's hard letting go of things that remind me of when she lived inside of me, of when she kicked and danced, and gave us such hope and joy. But paper bags are not my baby, so I let them go. 3 1/2 years later.

Halloween is coming. Did you know that this month has 5 fridays, 5 saturdays, and 5 sundays? And interesting tidbit for you...

Anyway, we don't know what Sophia is going to dress up as. She says she wants to be a princess, we just haven't found a good costume yet. The weather has definitely turned into Fall. It's a little bit chilly, but not quite jacket weather. 5:30am sucks, but we still haven't caved in and turned on the furnace. We'll just suffer for a few more days.

I've had a headache for a week straight. I assume it's my sinuses, and that the antibiotic I'm on will help. Otherwise I'll just cut it off.

I would really like to do better than 4 posts a month. It's not like I don't have the time. In fact, right now we're sitting in the chemo clinic- and have been for 2 hours. I've been reading magazines (1 paragraph at a time because I have very little in the way of an attention span here). But on the other hand, I don't have much to say. Mike's kidneys are doing better so they're doing the 125mg of Oxaliplatin again. His BP is still up though. I asked his doctor about the fact that he's doing "too well" as far as feeling okay vs. side effects. Does it mean this treatment isn't working? Of course not. Dr. Chandramouli said that some people have asked him very seriously if he was giving them Koolaid instead of chemo. But after the year we've had, it would not surprise me in the least if something in the lab got mixed up every time we came in and he was getting saline. Nitin said that isn't happening.

Flu season is coming fast. Sophia is getting her shot tomorrow. Mike probably Friday. I need to call my doctor and go in for mine. Yay.

It's a nice day. It rained last night so the world smelled clean this morning. The clouds are moving in and out and it's heating up, so it's humid. We're sitting by the window today. The clinic has their Halloween decorations up and it makes me feel lazy. Mine are still in Dea's garage. I guess we should go clean them out so they can have their space back.

I'm hungry. I want chinese food. Or indian. Mmmmm, chicken tikka masala....

Sophia had a fever for 5 days. But it's been gone since 1am, so we're thinking it's going going gone. It was scary high (103) but the doctor said it's a viral thing and wouldn't respond to antibiotics. I haven't slept in 4 nights. She actually ate tonight, so hopefully we'll get some sleep.

So here's the story...

Sept. 30, 2009- we signed the closing papers on our first house. Long story short, the previous owner flooded it the night before we got our keys. We got stuck with a lot of repairs. Luckily we have AMAZING family and friends that helped. A year later, it's finally feeling like home.

Sept. 30, 2010- Mike's company announces that they are selling the part of the company he works with (along with his mom, his sister [who bought a house last week] and several hundred other people with families). Nov. 1 they will announce their "plans" and will give the employees a 30 day notice. Basically, by Nov. 30 it is likely Mike will be out of a job. And yes, he carries the health insurance that is paying for his cancer treatment. It scares the hell out of me because there are so many people looking for jobs now. So many people living on unemployment. So many people without health insurance. We cannot be those people. We don't have a plan right now because we do not know what it going to happen. If some employees will be able to get jobs with the new company (we know that not all of them will). I've told my boss that I will be taking on more hours in the coming weeks. But not right now. Right now we're trying to breathe.

I'm trying to figure out how in the hell to get brave enough to sell my hair accessories online (etsy.com, probably). I don't know where my inferiority complex concerning my products comes from. It's cute stuff. I sell it cheap. What's the problem?

Anyway.. It's been in the mid to high 80s all week. Not cool (haha). It's October, for freaking sake. The 3T long-sleeved Halloween shirts I bought on clearance last year are just sitting in Sophia's closet, waiting for the weather to turn normal. It will probably just start snowing next week. Frick.

There are big, dark clouds coming out over the mountains. I didn't know there was supposed to be a storm this week. All of our windows are open. And if that isn't a metaphor for our lives the past 6 months...

We're sitting at the chemo clinic. Mike is trying to take a nap. It's so busy and full and annoying here that he might just be pretending. I don't blame him. My butt is numb from this crappy chair. Someone sat right next to us so I'm stuck out in the aisle, trying to fold myself up to not be in the way. There are 6 empty chairs that are not "this close" to someone. And she's loud. Loud. Anyway, everyone is hooked up their poison, so there's no moving now.

Mike's creatinine levels are high. 2.4, which I think is the highest they've been since he was in the hospital. So they decided not to give him any Oxaliplatin at all today. Which is not a good thing. This FOLFOX treatment has been shown to kick colon cancer's ass. But if he's not getting one of the major components of it, is it doing any good at all?

I hate coming here and seeing other young people. I wont lie, it's hard seeing anyone in here. Even older people. But people in their 20s and 30s? It makes me mad. And this weather isn't helping.

Time is rushing by so quickly, it seems like one day is just seeping into the next. It's nearing time for pumpkin patches and raking leaves. Our air conditioner broke last week, so I'm looking forward to cooler weather big time.

Nothing to report on the cancer front. Mike has a nice black cast on his right forearm. He only has to wear it for 4 weeks. 1 down, 3 to go. Or is it 2 and 2? Chemo this week. I have a list of questions for the doctor. And if all is going well with his kidney function, I'm guessing they'll give him more of the Oxaliplatin.

Alicia should be dropping Averi off any minute. The fire in Herriman has made it impossible for her to go to preschool today, and with the air being so bad, her little lungs can't handle it anyway. So we'll have two 2 year olds today. Probably some Dobie fights and a lot of crying. Luckily we slept really well last night (thank you Benedryl!) so it's going to be okay.

I took an extra crazy pill today. I've been having a very hard time with my emotions the past few days. I'm all over the place. But mostly I'm sad and I'm angry. And because I am sad and angry, I have a very short fuse with Sophia, who can tell that mommy is easily bothered. She's playing the "I don't have to listen to you" game again. Luckily, Mike has a lot of patience. And he knows I'm crazy lately.

I know it's not just pms. I know it's not just the changing seasons. I keep thinking about Charlotte. And about Laura. The past week, I keep getting confused, and thinking Laura is still alive. Let's just say it doesn't make for a happy moment when I remember that she's gone.

Dragonfly season is almost over. Maybe that's part of why my crazy brain is so full of damp cotton.

Mike's oncologist sent us up to the hospital after chemo today (which Mike is officially 1/2 done with, btw) to get his wrist looked at, set, and casted. To find out if he needs pins and surgery- which is apparently a huge deal if you have cancer. Dr. Chandramouli pulled out some favors and got us in. But of course when we got to the hospital with the xrays (that I made a trip home for while Mike was hooked up to the chemo crap) they told us we didn't have an appointment until Friday afternoon. Mike told the girl 3 times that his oncologist had set it up and we were supposed to be there today. No go, she said.

We got home and ran some errands and Mike looked at his phone which had a voicemail. It was the idiot girl from the Orthopedic Center telling us, oops- she made a mistake. Please come back before 4:00 today. Of course, by the time we got the message, it was 4:00. So he'll go in Friday at 4:00. This is the way our year has been. Wrong turns and detours. Hopefully my extra dose of Celexa will help me through the next pothole or 10. We know they're coming. It's like this roadtrip never ends.

The amusement is wearing off. I can honestly say that. I know the old saying, "if I don't laugh I'm going to cry," but I don't know if that's where I am. I'm just not laughing anymore.

I started this blog because I was going crazy. Since I'm visiting there again lately, I've been blogging in my head a lot. So many words in there. So much to say, but my fingers wont type what I think. And when I wake up in the morning, it's gone.

I'm tired. Tired of smiling and saying it's okay. We're fine. I know it's not normal to have this much put on us, but we're fine. We're fine. It wears you out. I've felt all summer like I had a light inside of me. That things were going to be okay because of this light. That we could smile and laugh and make jokes about cancer and broken bones because the light was on. But today It seems like it's just a cheap light bulb. And it's flickering. Obviously, I'm not giving up, we're still going to be fine. But today I am tired. Today I am spread out all over the world- those pieces of myself I've given away. Today I am worn out because the pieces I have left don't fit right.

There truly hasn't been much worth sharing lately. We've been working and playing, and leaving the cleaning for later (ugh).

Wednesday, Mike's oncologist informed us that his kidneys are handling the chemo quite well, and they wanted to increase the amount of Oxaliplatin that they're giving him. The "normal" dose for his height and weight would be 200mg. He's been getting 100mg. They changed it to 125mg and already his side effects have increased. He's more tired this round, and also the cold sensitivity has appeared. the doctors have told us that patients have described it as though when drinking anything cooler than room temperature, it feels as though they are drinking a glass of broken glass. So far it's not that bad, but he said that his tongue feels tingly and his lips felt as though the milk was freezing as he drank it. Not cool. But better than cancer, I guess. We just have to wait 2 weeks to do another blood draw to find out if his kidneys are okay with this. They're not clearing the meds out as quickly as they would if they worked normally, so he actually has the crap in his body longer than most people would. Awesome. But his blood counts look good still. He is still slightly anemic but they attribute that to the chemo. It will be good to see that go away when this is all done, since that was our first clue that something was wrong..

So that's the cancer news. All is well as well can be for now. After his last treatment (December 1) they will begin scheduling CT scans and more blood work. Since he can't do CTs with contrast, there may be a few MRIs thrown in there. Yipee. But if everything goes according to plan, after March or so, the most annoying thing we'll have to deal with is doctor visits and shoveling snow.

It's a really beautiful morning. It was a little rainy last night so there is still cloud cover and the smell of freshness. It feels like camping weather.

It's been too long since I've posted. Of course things have been going on, but I've been busy doing them and not writing about them. Someday I will be better at the blogging of our lives. Right now we're just living them instead.

Today has really been an off day for me. I've felt as though I was under water. Everything seemed blurry and muffled. It's strange what it takes to make that go away.

It started with a 20 minute listen to Glenn Beck. I have always found him entertaining, and most of the time I find him frightening. He speaks in a way that grabs you by the throat. All of his rants on politics I normally listen to with only one ear. I think it's all (mostly) true, but I can't concentrate on the world falling apart right now. I just can't. I have to focus on rainbows just to keep sane. But today he started telling a story and got sidetracked. He began talking about how he tries to be a good man and lead a good, decent life. And how We ALL need to begin to stop being the people we've let ourselves become and start being the people we truly are. How we need to be better people who are WORTHY of the blessings we have. That really hit me. I am a good person. I am flawed, and I will never be perfect. But I am good. But I need to be better in order to really show how thankful I am for what I have. He said we need to stop doing the things that destroy us and our families. I know he was talking of much bigger things, but I know that there are simple things that I can do, and I will start today. i want to be worthy.

I can't believe how time is flying. It's closer to August than June. Soon we will be panicking over Christmas again. Another chemo week is gone, and it wasn't a horrible one. Rik (Dr. Chandramouli's PA) told us that sessions 1-5 are going to be a breeze but 5-8 will be horrible (yay) and after that it even out again. We'll see. Mike is stronger and more amazing than I'd ever realized.

We're deep in the middle hell of Summer. I think it's been 100+ for 5 days in a row. Our a/c (evaporative cooler) is working hard, but some days it still feels like the indoors are outdoors. Yuck. But too soon it will be October and Halloween and November and Thanksgiving.. I know everyone says the same thing, but how weird that the older you get the faster time goes by. My baby will be 3 in 5 months. 3.

A little overdramatic, I suppose.

Today my plan is to stay inside. 96 degrees is too many degrees, as my friend Stephanie would say. Sophia is currently carrying around her cell phone like a baby and saying, "shhh, it's okay." Maybe it was the corndog I fed her for breakfast (hey, she also had 1/2 an orange!) Yo Gabba Gabba is on tv, and it's Dancey Dance Time! Glitter hands!! Go Leslie!

I should be doing something productive. Sewing, cleaning, sleeping.. Instead I've been browsing blogs all morning. Craft blogs mostly. There's a lot of cool stuff out there that I don't know how to do, or would screw up big time if I did. But I'll keep looking.

Hopefully we will be able to make a quick trip to California next month to see the ocean (and Jer and Wyatt, duh!). But if not, the ocean will be there next year.. Or whenever we get our bills paid.

As usual, I spoke too soon. Mike was very sick all day. And he hasn't even started this week's chemo. I hate cancer.

I'm not sure what's been up with the crazy dreams lately. The one Friday night was horrible. It was basically telling me that It was my fault that we lost our baby. That it was a choice I made. It will haunt me forever. Even though I know I did everything "right" and I couldn't have known her heart would stop beating for "no reason," it will haunt me.

It's chemo week again. Last time wasn't so bad, as far as chemo goes. We know it will get worse. But for now we're just taking it a week at a time.

Biggie is back in the hospital. He was supposed to go in tomorrow to start prepping for his stem cell transplant. But instead he ended up in the ER with another fever last night. That kid needs prayers. Our buddy Wilson (aka Biggie). His parents could use a few as well.

Bad dreams last night. Guilt dreams. I will post more later. I realize I don't post enough here. I don't do much of anything lately. Now I'm going to bed.

Crazy dreams last night.

One was that i showed up to work and wasn't supposed to be there until the next night. So I was talking with people and getting ready to leave. Lana handed me my mother's ring. Some little boy had found it. It was mangled. But it was engraved with Charlotte's name. I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy that it was found. Mike got there and we were ready to leave. It was way after hours because we were being audited. The regional manager used to work with Mike. There was some weirdo lady asking me about things to fix the bumper on her truck. Co-workers were shopping, there were disco lights and the store was a mess. Very strange.

It's the end of the week I was dreading.

Mike had his port installed Tuesday. Wednesday he started chemotherapy. They gave him 2 of 3 drugs through the port while we were in the cancer center. The last one ran through a pump for 46 hours. Luckily (and I hate that word) the pump was portable and he could take it home and to work. He didn't get sick until this afternoon, although he was rundown and tired since yesterday. He slept until 5pm today.

It's going to be a long 6 months.

It's the end of the week I was dreading.

Mike had his port installed Tuesday. Wednesday he started chemotherapy. They gave him 2 of 3 drugs through the port while we were in the cancer center. The last one ran through a pump for 46 hours. Luckily (and I hate that word) the pump was portable and he could take it home and to work. He didn't get sick until this afternoon, although he was rundown and tired since yesterday. He slept until 5pm today.

It's going to be a long 6 months.

I keep thinking I'm updating. I'm obviously wrong.

Tomorrow Mike goes in to the hospital to have a mediport implanted in his chest. Wednesday morning we go in for his first chemo session. He will be getting chemo for 46-hour periods, every other week, for 6 months. He will have a portable pump that he can take home, go to work with, etc. We're not sure how it's going to work. To tell you the truth, I am terrified of what's to come. But I am thankful that we have a "what's to come."

It started hitting me last night, I think. It could be an odd-timed bout of PMS. But I think it's more likely that it's the realization that this is really happening. I felt like a truck hit me. I cried for "no reason" on and off all night. Today is brighter. Well, it was until Sophia found some nail polish in my purse.

Today I'm going to stick close to the house. Do some laundry, do some dishes. Clean up some Barbies. Maybe later we will go downtown and take some pictures. We'll see if it cools down enough to go outside.

Tomorrow we meet Mike's Oncologist. He works with Utah Cancer Specialists, and did some training at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. That's all good news. Hopefully he has more good news for us tomorrow morning.

Not much else to say now. If I could get my WiFi working, I could update more. The weather has gone from snowing 11 days ago to low-mid 90's this week. At least the humidity has dropped a little.

Who needs sleep, anyway?

My husband, my best friend. He can sleep through anything. I'm glad, even though sometimes i envy it. He has stage 3 colon cancer (I guess that's what they call it even though the cancer- and a sizable chunk of his colon- were removed?) It has spread to his lymph nodes and he will start chemo as soon as his surgical wounds are healed.

Tomorrow should be sunny and 74. We are going to the zoo.

Mike and Sophia are sleeping in today. It's raining.

Today we should get the results of the lymph node biopsy they did during surgery, as well as the staging for the cancer itself. We should have gotten it Friday, but that's not something I want to talk about right now. So I'm carrying Mike's phone around with me this morning in case the doctor calls. I woke up early with an allergy headache. I'm guessing it was the flowers at the cemetery yesterday.

So today we will find out where we are going from here. Diving into the world of cancer, I assume. But whichever way we turn, we will go there with full force. Mike has a lot to live for, and a lot to stay healthy for. So I know he will fight.

It's hard to explain my issues with sleep. Since I can remember, I've had insomnia. Whatever that means. I used to lie awake at night convinced that I had forgotten how to sleep. Now it's more of of me waking up at random times and not being able to get back to sleep. Or I will fall asleep and wake up 10 minutes later. This past week has been all about waiting for morning. I even tried to take a nap with Sophia yesterday and failed miserably. I know I could take sleep aids but I'm half convinced that I would become instantly addicted (even though I have taken them many, many times over the years and been fine.) I think my brain knows how wonderful escape sounds and wont let me participate. Sometimes my brain is smarter than me.

Of course at night I have a lot of time to think about the things I try to ignore otherwise. Mike has cancer. He is having a big scary surgery. I will be in the waiting room when the nurse/doctor comes out to tell the family how the surgery went. I have no words for how this terrifies me. Even though I know we have to do this. I know we have to get this poison out of him. I think that by not thinking about it, I'm trying to will it to be a mistake. I've spent a good amount of time fighting the urge to be angry. Why waste what little energy I have on something I have no control over? I can feel like God is testing us again. But why bother? It is was it is.

That's not to say that I understand. We've been through a lot. And yes, we pulled through. We are amazing, strong, blah blah blah. But why can't we be given some time to breathe? 70 years would be nice.

Here we are.

Thursday Mike will undergo major surgery to take out his tumor. Only then will we know for sure if the cancer has spread. It will be a long, terrible, brutal, and amazing day. We are going to get past this. We are going to fight. We have watched Wilson go through this ugliness since December. I have cried for him and I have cheered for him. Now it's our turn.

I planted some of Charlotte's garden last night. Sophia and Mike helped. With rain, sunshine, and rainbows, it will bloom bright purple, pink and yellow. We need the rainbows. We need your prayers. We need hope. I believe in hope. Since losing our baby, it's been one of my only strengths. I can hope like nobody's business. I'm relying on that right now.

The sun is out today.

Mike had another blood transfusion yesterday. 3 units to replace what he's losing from all of his "issues". Tomorrow he will meet with a surgeon to find out what and when we're getting rid of this crap.

Sophia is having a wild child day. I can barely keep up.

I'm not happy today. I guess it's like yesterday. No reason, I'm just very down.

And what's funny is that on Friday, even after we got the biopsy results- I was in a great mood. My husband has cancer, but life is still livable. We've gotten through the worst things life has to offer. And we will get through this.

And today, Wilson is having surgery to remove his tumor! I wish I could be in NY with his mom, to hold her hand and drink massive amounts of coffee. But instead we've said our prayers and are waiting to hear spectacular news about how well the surgery went. No child should get sick. No child should know what cancer is. No 2 year old should lose their hair with chemo and need a g-tube to get all of their medications.

Today is a day of hope, but I am in serious need of a rainbow.

We should have biopsy results today. We should have had them 4 days ago. Waiting isn't my strong suit.

It's 36 degrees right now. And it's snowing. And my husband of 4 years probably has cancer. 4 years ago today we got married. It was a good day. Good friends, music, food. Great cake. In August we'll have been together for 12 years. And Monday we found out he needs surgery to remove the mass in his colon. He is 32. He is the father of an amazing 2 year old. And our 3 year old who lives in heaven. He is my rock, my strength. He is the center of my heart, and we are going to fight like hell to get him healthy.

I had a dream last night that we were covered in storm clouds. I was driving and I said, "This is a really weird storm." Then the rain started. It felt like we were covered in darkness and there was just small break in the clouds at the edge of the mountains.

Today our world changed again. We will fight this. We will win.

Another beautiful day! The sun is shining, but the wind is making it a little chilly. We went out and did a little bit of work in the yard yesterday. In a couple of weeks, we'll be putting in our first garden! Today is Aiden's birthday. It's hard to believe that 2 years ago we were waiting to meet him. Him mommy is amazing. His daddy is deployed again right now, but his mom is not letting that stop them from having a great summer! Sophia and Aiden are best friends (not to mention cousins) and until Neal comes home safely, they will grow up together and teach each other new things every day!

Monday we went to the zoo. It was very nearly a perfect day. Aiden and Sophia were very well behaved. It amazes me every time they're together- how much they adore each other! They're best friends and it makes me so happy! We got some cute pictures and wore the kiddos out!

Yesterday my sisters and I went shopping. It was a good day. We went to Ikea and found some fun stuff. And I found some sandals for Sophia at Kohls. Yay for sales!

Another storm is moving in. Snow tonight through Friday. And this morning Sophia woke up with a cold. Ugh. She's stuffy and coughing. But I made her a frozen pizza and that seemed to cheer her up considerably. :)

The weather has turned amazing. Last Tuesday we had an inch of snow on the ground. Today I did yard work (again. it never ends!) Tomorrow we're going to the zoo. Have I mentioned how much I love the zoo?

I've been online searching for a ring. The Mother's Day after we lost Charlotte, my mom and my sisters gave me a tiny birthstone ring with an amethyst. It was gold and perfect and I wore it on a sterling silver chain. About 6 months ago, I lost the necklace. I've been searching for it, but I fear it's gone forever. I can't tell you how sick it makes me feel. It was the only thing I had that day. The day I was supposed to be celebrating being a mom- I was given a keepsake to remember my baby. I can't find anything to "replace" it. I want it back. I want to go back and snatch it up and lock it away so it doesn't get lost. Since I cannot so that, I'm searching for another ring. Nothing looks right. But I'll keep looking.

Today was a good day. We took Sophia and Aiden to Wheeler Farm and fed the ducks. Along with half the population of Utah :) The kids saw the cows, horses, pigs and sheep. And they ran, and ran, and ran.. Sophia especially loved the tractor. I think she wanted to take it home. We came home and had lunch and Sophia took a nap. I went into the backyard and cleaned it for the first time. The previous owners left an impressive amount of beer cans out there. They were pigs. I raked some leaves out of the flower beds. There are a lot of bulbs out there that I hope will sprout flowers soon. Mike and I are still talking about a garden. I love the idea of eating food we grew. But there is a lot of work to be done first. I'll probably set aside a little spot for Sophia to grow her own things.

Today is one of those days that makes me stop and think, I love my life.

Today we got to go outside and do some work in the yard. It feels more like our house now. I uncovered several bulbs- still green and yet to sprout flowers. The weather is supposed to stay nice through the weekend. We're looking forward to that.

It was a gorgeous day today. Bright sun, little wind. And no snow. Which is big. But I guess it will be back this weekend. I assume that soon we'll actually have a few days of spring before we get 90 degree days. I want to start trimming the pine tree so I can plant the roses and some purple flowers. I'm going to turn the front island into a garden for Charlotte. Her rose bush, the purple hyacinths I planted in November, and lots of flowers for butterflies. I will either buy or make a name plaque. Stephanie Cole makes the Sweet Pea Stones which is probably what I will get. http://www.sweetpeaproject.org/stones Stephanie is amazing. She has been a great comfort and inspiration to me the past 3 years.

I guess lack of internet is a good excuse for not posting for a few days.

But we're back up. Which means FB. Yay.

We have so much going on in our lives right now, it's hard to stop and find time to breathe. Mike had a blood transfusion yesterday. His doctor is hoping it will help him feel better until we can find the source of his anemia. Which means more testing. More waiting. More worrying. I can say that I am very glad that I got on anti-anxiety medication when I did. Otherwise I would be a hot mess. That being said.. I think the meds are making it so I *can't* freak out. Which is weird. I rarely cry anymore. Which is good, but strange. I also think that the pills aren't reaching into my brain when I'm sleeping. I've been clenching my teeth while I sleep and waking up with a sore jaw and a headache every freaking day. Not cool. I guess even with pills, I have to release stress somehow. The prospect of something being really wrong with Mike is one of the scariest things I've ever dealt with. Not being in control of the situation makes for an unhappy Marinda.

I hate the wind.

I really do. It's been blowing for the past 24 hours. Last night it got so bad I had to take sleeping pills. The wind was stronger than the pills. It was so loud and scary that I had all sorts of nasty visions in my head of the ruin that the wind was causing. Shingles blown off the roof, fences blown over, garbage all over the yard. I kept thinking the car would be knocked over. It was that windy. And I'm a little bit nuts. But I have an issue with the wind. It scares me.

It's actually turned into a pretty nice day. We did a little bit of shopping and now we're home relaxing. Sophia is fighting naptime and I am ignoring her in hopes that she will take the hint and just give up. The sunshine is very strong today. If the wind wasn't fighting it off, we would be at the park. Which would, of course, not help the nap war.

It snowed again last night. Driving home was a nightmare. The sun finally came out a few minutes ago and already I can hear the drip drip of the white crap melting off the roof.

Today Sophia and I might go shopping. I want to get out of this house. I am so tired of being inside all the time. I'm beginning to think that when it's warm enough, we might be spending all waking hours outdoors. I think we will grill all of our food and enjoy the bugs. Because bugs are better than stale winter air and sitting under blankets to keep warm. I want to plant some flowers, but I'm lazy and I'm unsure. We had some crocuses sprout up in the front yard, and those were a very welcome surprise. I wonder what else the previous owners planted. It's nice to have a happy surprise from those bastards. I also need to plant Charlotte's rosebush that Alicia gave me. I'm still not sure where to put it. There is so much work to be done in our yard that I'm not sure what we're going to change. I want to be able to look out the window and see her roses. So I'll have to think it through.

Last Day

3 years ago today was Charlotte's due date. It ended up being the first time I was able to leave my house (aside from the funeral and doctor visit). I went to a great Indian food restaurant with my best friends. I don't remember what we talked about and I don't remember if I ate my chicken. I think I don't think too often about her due date, because by then it was over. There was no more waiting and wanting. Only a grey cloud in my head. I'm actually impressed, looking back, that I was able to be around people only 3 weeks after losing her. I barely want to be around people now- 3 years later. At times.

I guess what brings this up is that last night I was looking in the safe for some marriage license stuff for insurance. And of course, also in the safe are the funeral documents. The paperwork for the casket we had to pick out for our daughter. And the autopsy report. That jumble of medical phrases that gave us no answers as to why her heart stopped beating. I wasn't very tempted to open it up last night and try again to find something that would tell me why. There is no why. She is gone. She is so far away that I can't feel her watching me. I can't tell Sophia that her sister is watching over her. I wish I could lie. Maybe someday I will. Or maybe someday I will feel her again. But now she isn't here. She's either somewhere far away, or she is nowhere. I guess that's the question I'll have to try and answer. I don't know what books to read or where to go and pray. I only know that it's unfair. Not only was my daughter lost, but some of my hope as well.

I don't mention Charlotte because I want you to feel sorry for me. I don't talk about her because I'm trying to seek your attention. I talk about my daughter because I don't want her to disappear. All I have left of her is the memories. So when I mention her name, or talk about losing her, don't assume it's because I'm craving some pity. If I don't talk about her, if I don't think about her- she will disappear forever. And I can't let that happen.

So I've skipped a few days. A few days of my "I'm going to post something every day, no matter how lame, blog." There has been a lot of ups and a lot of downs this past week. I'm expecting the ups to outweigh the rest and the sun to start shining more frequently. But that could just be the fact that Spring starts in a few days. I'm ready to see the tulips blooming. I'm ready to start smelling freshly cut grass and taking Sophia to the park to run and play and swing and slide. I'm ready to start having backyard barbecues in our new house. To plant seeds and water them and watch them grow.

So Far Behind

I am so far behind where I want to be right now. What I should have done. Not only around the house, but in this blog. And on my hobbies.

And what am I doing? staring at a computer screen blankly. I have no idea what I am supposed to be typing, or where I want this to go. All I seem to be able to do today is to sit still and feel my blood rushing through my veins. The thing that worries me the most is how appealing it is to just keep sitting still.

Today was gorgeous. I stepped outside and took a deep breath of cool air and was thankful to be alive. That's something.

The Beginning

I'm really good at starting things. Really good.

I tend to do pretty well at the beginning and the middle. The finished product is somewhat lacking. I don't know why. I know it makes me sound lazy and irritating. Which I'm not. Unless I am. We'll see how it goes.