It's hard to explain my issues with sleep. Since I can remember, I've had insomnia. Whatever that means. I used to lie awake at night convinced that I had forgotten how to sleep. Now it's more of of me waking up at random times and not being able to get back to sleep. Or I will fall asleep and wake up 10 minutes later. This past week has been all about waiting for morning. I even tried to take a nap with Sophia yesterday and failed miserably. I know I could take sleep aids but I'm half convinced that I would become instantly addicted (even though I have taken them many, many times over the years and been fine.) I think my brain knows how wonderful escape sounds and wont let me participate. Sometimes my brain is smarter than me.

Of course at night I have a lot of time to think about the things I try to ignore otherwise. Mike has cancer. He is having a big scary surgery. I will be in the waiting room when the nurse/doctor comes out to tell the family how the surgery went. I have no words for how this terrifies me. Even though I know we have to do this. I know we have to get this poison out of him. I think that by not thinking about it, I'm trying to will it to be a mistake. I've spent a good amount of time fighting the urge to be angry. Why waste what little energy I have on something I have no control over? I can feel like God is testing us again. But why bother? It is was it is.

That's not to say that I understand. We've been through a lot. And yes, we pulled through. We are amazing, strong, blah blah blah. But why can't we be given some time to breathe? 70 years would be nice.