Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I hate the wind.
I really do. It's been blowing for the past 24 hours. Last night it got so bad I had to take sleeping pills. The wind was stronger than the pills. It was so loud and scary that I had all sorts of nasty visions in my head of the ruin that the wind was causing. Shingles blown off the roof, fences blown over, garbage all over the yard. I kept thinking the car would be knocked over. It was that windy. And I'm a little bit nuts. But I have an issue with the wind. It scares me.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It's actually turned into a pretty nice day. We did a little bit of shopping and now we're home relaxing. Sophia is fighting naptime and I am ignoring her in hopes that she will take the hint and just give up. The sunshine is very strong today. If the wind wasn't fighting it off, we would be at the park. Which would, of course, not help the nap war.

It snowed again last night. Driving home was a nightmare. The sun finally came out a few minutes ago and already I can hear the drip drip of the white crap melting off the roof.
Today Sophia and I might go shopping. I want to get out of this house. I am so tired of being inside all the time. I'm beginning to think that when it's warm enough, we might be spending all waking hours outdoors. I think we will grill all of our food and enjoy the bugs. Because bugs are better than stale winter air and sitting under blankets to keep warm. I want to plant some flowers, but I'm lazy and I'm unsure. We had some crocuses sprout up in the front yard, and those were a very welcome surprise. I wonder what else the previous owners planted. It's nice to have a happy surprise from those bastards. I also need to plant Charlotte's rosebush that Alicia gave me. I'm still not sure where to put it. There is so much work to be done in our yard that I'm not sure what we're going to change. I want to be able to look out the window and see her roses. So I'll have to think it through.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Last Day

3 years ago today was Charlotte's due date. It ended up being the first time I was able to leave my house (aside from the funeral and doctor visit). I went to a great Indian food restaurant with my best friends. I don't remember what we talked about and I don't remember if I ate my chicken. I think I don't think too often about her due date, because by then it was over. There was no more waiting and wanting. Only a grey cloud in my head. I'm actually impressed, looking back, that I was able to be around people only 3 weeks after losing her. I barely want to be around people now- 3 years later. At times.
I guess what brings this up is that last night I was looking in the safe for some marriage license stuff for insurance. And of course, also in the safe are the funeral documents. The paperwork for the casket we had to pick out for our daughter. And the autopsy report. That jumble of medical phrases that gave us no answers as to why her heart stopped beating. I wasn't very tempted to open it up last night and try again to find something that would tell me why. There is no why. She is gone. She is so far away that I can't feel her watching me. I can't tell Sophia that her sister is watching over her. I wish I could lie. Maybe someday I will. Or maybe someday I will feel her again. But now she isn't here. She's either somewhere far away, or she is nowhere. I guess that's the question I'll have to try and answer. I don't know what books to read or where to go and pray. I only know that it's unfair. Not only was my daughter lost, but some of my hope as well.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I don't mention Charlotte because I want you to feel sorry for me. I don't talk about her because I'm trying to seek your attention. I talk about my daughter because I don't want her to disappear. All I have left of her is the memories. So when I mention her name, or talk about losing her, don't assume it's because I'm craving some pity. If I don't talk about her, if I don't think about her- she will disappear forever. And I can't let that happen.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

So I've skipped a few days. A few days of my "I'm going to post something every day, no matter how lame, blog." There has been a lot of ups and a lot of downs this past week. I'm expecting the ups to outweigh the rest and the sun to start shining more frequently. But that could just be the fact that Spring starts in a few days. I'm ready to see the tulips blooming. I'm ready to start smelling freshly cut grass and taking Sophia to the park to run and play and swing and slide. I'm ready to start having backyard barbecues in our new house. To plant seeds and water them and watch them grow.

Friday, March 12, 2010

So Far Behind

I am so far behind where I want to be right now. What I should have done. Not only around the house, but in this blog. And on my hobbies.
And what am I doing? staring at a computer screen blankly. I have no idea what I am supposed to be typing, or where I want this to go. All I seem to be able to do today is to sit still and feel my blood rushing through my veins. The thing that worries me the most is how appealing it is to just keep sitting still.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Today was gorgeous. I stepped outside and took a deep breath of cool air and was thankful to be alive. That's something.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Beginning

I'm really good at starting things. Really good.
I tend to do pretty well at the beginning and the middle. The finished product is somewhat lacking. I don't know why. I know it makes me sound lazy and irritating. Which I'm not. Unless I am. We'll see how it goes.