I guess there are several factors at work here. My anxiety is bordering on depression. This is the worst I have felt in over a year. If I hadn't promised Sophia the zoo today, I would have stayed in bed. Or on the couch, so I could pretend I was watching her. Even the drive to the zoo was exhausting for me. I felt like hiding from the sky itself. Once we got there, I perked up enough to watch her run and play, and to laugh with her, and to protect her from the attacking turkeys. I think as long as I have something to focus on, I don't get too strangled by myself. Being at work for 11 hours keeps me busy enough that I can't think about how much I hate working full time. But as soon as I leave, I want to crawl into a hole and never go back. Sophia asked me if I live at work now. She cries if it's Mike's turn to put her to bed. She asks me to snuggle her 10x a day (But can only sit still for about 2 minutes of snuggle time.) She hates it, too. And when I'm home, I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm sad.
So last night I decided it wasn't working for me anymore. I pulled out my Celexa and I took 1/2 a dose. I'll work my way up again. I want to sleep at night. I want to spend time with my family without being distracted by my crazy. I want to enjoy spring and summer without being exhausted by life.
Like I said, I know that a variety of things helped to bury me this week. Mike's uncle Howie passed away and Sophia and I couldn't make it to the funeral. Even being thousands of miles away, I can feel the loss. I am grieving for his wife, and his kids, and his grandkids. I am at a loss for words at how desperate they must feel. He was a good man, and he will be missed.