Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

It won't stop

This has been a strange pregnancy. Very different from my girls. From how sick I've been, to the difference in my body. I've only gained 7 pounds, when with the girls I gained around 35. I feel great most of the time, but when I feel bad, I feel awful. I think I'm in more pain, but I think its mostly due to my age and the fact that I'm working part time. And this kid is A Mover. He moves so much, and he has gotten so strong, that it's painful at times. I don't know if he moves more, or if it's just because the placenta is in the back so I'm feeling more than I did when the placentas were in the front with the girls.

I had my last ultrasound yesterday. The baby's kidney issue has not gotten any worse! It's still there, but it's not looking as scary. Also, baby is growing. And growing. He is measuring a week and a half ahead! The weight guess was 5 lbs. 7oz. I know that's usually wrong, but woah.

I still have at least one moment of panic every day. It won't stop. Ever. Is he moving? When did I feel him move last? These last 2 weeks will be hard. I know that, and I know that we will get through them.

Saturday, November 16, 2013


Some days, all I want to do is sleep. Today was most definitely one of those days. But instead, I went to work at 6am. After work, my friends and family threw us a baby shower. I have to confess that I was not feeling well. Two 6ams in a row and what I think is the remnants of food poisoning, I just didn't feel well at all. But we have these amazing friends. These amazing families. They came together today to help us celebrate the upcoming arrival of our baby boy. I am humbled to be part of such an amazing group of people. In fact, one of the friends throwing the shower is being induced with her first baby tomorrow. But here she was, throwing us a party. Another friend, the host, just moved into her house two weeks ago. It takes amazing people to do such things, and we know the best.

In spite of my almost overwhelming exhaustion today (hello crying fits over stupid crap) it is 11:30 pm and I am still awake. I've been awake for 19 hours. All I want to do is sleep but my head won't stop spinning. There are so many things going on in our life right now that I am dizzy. Good things, terrible things. The best things, the absolute worst things. Some nights I lie in bed and wonder how I made it through the day without exploding. Crying. Dissolving. I know how blessed we are. I know how much we have. I am grateful for so much. But I am also very angry right now. It doesn't do me any good. It doesn't change what is happening around us. I can put on my brave face all I want, joke about being ready to have this baby in 19 days. I can smile and laugh and joke about hormones. But underneath this, I am a mess. I am dissolving. I am flying apart in different directions and I don't know how much longer I will be able to hold it in. So I will blame hormones. I will joke about insomnia. I will cry for 10 second bursts and change the subject. I will be vague about the disasters that are changing our lives forever (to protect people's privacy). I will pack hospitals bags and wash baby clothes and pretend that this is the life we thought we would have. But underneath that, I know the truth, and even if I could sleep all day, the disasters will be there when I wake up. Luckily, so will the blessings.