Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Sunday, December 22, 2013


Seventeen days ago, our son was born. Right now, his daddy is feeding him a bottle, slowly. Little man has been spitting up for a few days. I think his tummy is upset right now. I'm trying to remember what I ate that would have made his tummy hurt. I have no idea. But before I forget more than I already have, this is his story.

   Mike and I got to the hospital at 5:45am on Thursday, December 5. I was there for prep at 6, surgery at 7:30. The receptionist was nice. That has nothing to do with anything, but it's true. We got into a room a few minutes later, and I got my beautiful gown on and we got the tv turned on to the news. The nurse came in and asked the question we would hear at least 30 times that day, "does this little one have a name?" He didn't yet. I signed all of the hospital forms, answered a million and one questions, some more than once. The nurse explained the process we were heading for. My doctor came in and said hello. I got my IV started, and I think the anesthesiologist came in and explained his part. I got up and walked to the OR. I thought that was crazy, having to walk to the OR. Mike got into his "bunny suit" and we went to the OR. When we walked in, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" was on the radio. I think that helped me calm down. I got up on the table and the anesthesiologist had me lay on my side so he could start the spinal. I asked for some acid reducer because I've had such bad reflux the past few weeks. It tasted like.. nasty. The doctor put in the spinal block, and it hurt. I started freaking out a little, but nothing compared to the panic I had with Sophia's c-section. As soon as the spinal was in, he had my lie down and they started getting everything ready. The anesthesiologist was amazing. He explained everything to me every step of the way. He told me if I felt like I couldn't breathe, to look at the monitor. I wasn't on oxygen yet, but my O2 was at 98. The spinal just made me feel like I couldn't take breaths. I stared at that monitor a lot. They checked my numbness, and put up the curtain. The doctor said she was starting. I had a warming blanket on my arms, and Mike was holding my hand. I kept an eye on the clock, because my doctor had told me that the surgery would last about 45 minutes. My doctor told me at one point that it was taking a little longer because of my scar tissue. Finally, they opened up and saw the baby. They started trying to get him out. And they tried. And they tried. They were joking about how he didn't want to come out. At one point, I felt someone pushing hard on my upper belly. I asked if someone was sitting on me. My doctor said, "it probably feels like that, but no." Finally, finally, they pulled our baby boy out and handed him to the nurse. She said he had red hair, and I almost jumped off the table. They took him to the warmer and started to clean him up. I honestly don't even remember if he was crying. Over the speaker in the OR, someone came on and said they needed the anesthesiologist in anther OR (I wish I could remember his name, because he was amazing!) they said that the "31.5 weeks twins were coming." It was a few minutes before he came to where I could see him and apologized and said he needed to leave for an emergency, but that if I needed anything at all, to let someone know, and he would be back. I told him no problem, I was fine! They wrapped my baby up and brought him over to Mike. His apgar scores were 9 and 9! Mike showed him to me, and I kissed him. Mike got to hold him the entire time they were tying my tubes and sewing everything up. All of the sudden, we were done and it was time to go. Our son was born at 8:05am. He weighed 6lbs, 2.6 ounces. He measured 20inches. The doctors/nurses got me onto another bed and handed my son to me. I held him on the way up to the room. My baby boy. Safe and sound. Mike told me they had to use a vacuum to get him out, because he was so stuck. The nurse said we would have to measure and keep an eye on his head because of the vacuum. But his head was fine. A small bruise, but it was gone in two days. My dad arrived and took some pictures, but I wouldn't let him hold the baby. We had promised Sophia she would be the first one to hold the baby. Mike's parents arrived shortly after, with our proud big sister. She sat down and held her brother. She glowed. She hasn't stopped glowing.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

I'm in bed still, waiting for Sophia to wake up. She was so crazy last night, I hope she sleeps for another hour. This is our last big family day before our family grows. We are going to surprise her by taking her to see a movie (Frozen) and hopefully just spend the whole day smiling. The rest of this week is going to go by in a flash.
I'd almost forgotten to worry again. My ultrasounds and non-stress tests have gone so well that I just started assuming everything would be fine. Such a dangerous assumption. I worked a lot of hours this weekend for Black Friday/Saturday. I'm in a bit of pain (back and leg cramps mostly) because of it. Baby's been moving a ton when I get home though. Its thrown off his schedule, I think. I've woken up in the middle of the night to wait for him to move. I remembered this morning that the doctor said the cord could become a problem later in pregnancy. Now that he's so big, what if it can't sustain him? What if he doesn't get enough oxygen from me? Thankfully, I'm done at work, so I can stay home and "relax" for the next 3 days. I also have to pack for the hospital and clean for Christmas decorations. But I will take it as easy as I can. Thursday, we are having this baby. I hope to come home on Sunday. I'm trying to think positive thoughts and not freak out about kidneys and cords and surgery. I need to get through 3 days of kindergarten drop off and pick up. And a huge snow storm. And the Thanksgiving leftovers being gone. One thing at a time.