Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

I was going to post a couple of weeks ago about how quickly the fear fades. I've been feeling like everything is fine, this is the way pregnancy is supposed to go. I never had that with Sophia. But here I am, 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and it's back. I wake up at 2 am and think, "is he moving? why isn't he moving?" Nevermind the fact that I can barely even feel him most days. I know he will get stronger, and it will be easier to feel him, but I know that the 2 a.m.s wont go away. They're here forever. I feel like I will never sleep again.
Let's add to that. At our 19 week appointment, when we found out that we're having our first son, we also got some not-so-great news. He has a peripheral cord insertion, so we have to keep an extra eye on his growth. This means that the cord is attached to the placenta on the very edge, and at any time, he could stop receiving nutrients, and stop growing. The doctor reassured us, "Usually it's fine. If babies like this need to be taken early, it's not usually until around 37 weeks." Usually. I hate that word. So now I'm freaked out that I'm not getting enough nutrients in the first place, let alone to pass to him through my wonky umbilical cord. I would like to say that his growth now is perfect, he is measuring exactly, to the day, how he was from the first ultrasound at 7 weeks. But at 2 am, even that is not reassuring. At 2 am, all I can think is, "is it December yet? My body isn't a safe place for babies."