Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

It's 36 degrees right now. And it's snowing. And my husband of 4 years probably has cancer. 4 years ago today we got married. It was a good day. Good friends, music, food. Great cake. In August we'll have been together for 12 years. And Monday we found out he needs surgery to remove the mass in his colon. He is 32. He is the father of an amazing 2 year old. And our 3 year old who lives in heaven. He is my rock, my strength. He is the center of my heart, and we are going to fight like hell to get him healthy.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I had a dream last night that we were covered in storm clouds. I was driving and I said, "This is a really weird storm." Then the rain started. It felt like we were covered in darkness and there was just small break in the clouds at the edge of the mountains.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Today our world changed again. We will fight this. We will win.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Another beautiful day! The sun is shining, but the wind is making it a little chilly. We went out and did a little bit of work in the yard yesterday. In a couple of weeks, we'll be putting in our first garden! Today is Aiden's birthday. It's hard to believe that 2 years ago we were waiting to meet him. Him mommy is amazing. His daddy is deployed again right now, but his mom is not letting that stop them from having a great summer! Sophia and Aiden are best friends (not to mention cousins) and until Neal comes home safely, they will grow up together and teach each other new things every day!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Monday we went to the zoo. It was very nearly a perfect day. Aiden and Sophia were very well behaved. It amazes me every time they're together- how much they adore each other! They're best friends and it makes me so happy! We got some cute pictures and wore the kiddos out!
Yesterday my sisters and I went shopping. It was a good day. We went to Ikea and found some fun stuff. And I found some sandals for Sophia at Kohls. Yay for sales!
Another storm is moving in. Snow tonight through Friday. And this morning Sophia woke up with a cold. Ugh. She's stuffy and coughing. But I made her a frozen pizza and that seemed to cheer her up considerably. :)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The weather has turned amazing. Last Tuesday we had an inch of snow on the ground. Today I did yard work (again. it never ends!) Tomorrow we're going to the zoo. Have I mentioned how much I love the zoo?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I've been online searching for a ring. The Mother's Day after we lost Charlotte, my mom and my sisters gave me a tiny birthstone ring with an amethyst. It was gold and perfect and I wore it on a sterling silver chain. About 6 months ago, I lost the necklace. I've been searching for it, but I fear it's gone forever. I can't tell you how sick it makes me feel. It was the only thing I had that day. The day I was supposed to be celebrating being a mom- I was given a keepsake to remember my baby. I can't find anything to "replace" it. I want it back. I want to go back and snatch it up and lock it away so it doesn't get lost. Since I cannot so that, I'm searching for another ring. Nothing looks right. But I'll keep looking.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Today was a good day. We took Sophia and Aiden to Wheeler Farm and fed the ducks. Along with half the population of Utah :) The kids saw the cows, horses, pigs and sheep. And they ran, and ran, and ran.. Sophia especially loved the tractor. I think she wanted to take it home. We came home and had lunch and Sophia took a nap. I went into the backyard and cleaned it for the first time. The previous owners left an impressive amount of beer cans out there. They were pigs. I raked some leaves out of the flower beds. There are a lot of bulbs out there that I hope will sprout flowers soon. Mike and I are still talking about a garden. I love the idea of eating food we grew. But there is a lot of work to be done first. I'll probably set aside a little spot for Sophia to grow her own things.
Today is one of those days that makes me stop and think, I love my life.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Today we got to go outside and do some work in the yard. It feels more like our house now. I uncovered several bulbs- still green and yet to sprout flowers. The weather is supposed to stay nice through the weekend. We're looking forward to that.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It was a gorgeous day today. Bright sun, little wind. And no snow. Which is big. But I guess it will be back this weekend. I assume that soon we'll actually have a few days of spring before we get 90 degree days. I want to start trimming the pine tree so I can plant the roses and some purple flowers. I'm going to turn the front island into a garden for Charlotte. Her rose bush, the purple hyacinths I planted in November, and lots of flowers for butterflies. I will either buy or make a name plaque. Stephanie Cole makes the Sweet Pea Stones which is probably what I will get. Stephanie is amazing. She has been a great comfort and inspiration to me the past 3 years.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I guess lack of internet is a good excuse for not posting for a few days.
But we're back up. Which means FB. Yay.
We have so much going on in our lives right now, it's hard to stop and find time to breathe. Mike had a blood transfusion yesterday. His doctor is hoping it will help him feel better until we can find the source of his anemia. Which means more testing. More waiting. More worrying. I can say that I am very glad that I got on anti-anxiety medication when I did. Otherwise I would be a hot mess. That being said.. I think the meds are making it so I *can't* freak out. Which is weird. I rarely cry anymore. Which is good, but strange. I also think that the pills aren't reaching into my brain when I'm sleeping. I've been clenching my teeth while I sleep and waking up with a sore jaw and a headache every freaking day. Not cool. I guess even with pills, I have to release stress somehow. The prospect of something being really wrong with Mike is one of the scariest things I've ever dealt with. Not being in control of the situation makes for an unhappy Marinda.