Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

I wrote Charlotte a letter in my head today.
I've been thinking about her non-stop for 3 weeks (or so). Everything (everything, everything, every thing) reminds me of her lately. I know this isn't supposed to be easy, but it never gets less hard. I want to hold her hand and listen to her talk about her day. I am angry again. And I am hurt. And I am confused. She is so far away.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I was at the dentist today and the dental assistant was chatting me up while we waited for the dentist. She asked how many kids I have. I said, "I have two, but I only have one with me. Our first daughter passed away." She asked how long ago. "Five years this coming February." She asked how. I said, "She was stillborn at 37 weeks." She expressed sympathy and changed the subject quickly.
A few minutes later, she asked what my 3 year olds name is. I told her. Then she asked me a question that I have not encountered. "Did you name your other baby?" I was surprised. And shocked. And a little insulted. I said, "Yes, her name was Charlotte." The girl was young, not married, no kids of her own. She's obviously never been close to anyone who has experienced a loss like ours. Here's what I wish I would have told her..

Yes, we named our daughter. She was not a figment of our imaginations. She was our baby, our hope. We heard her heart beating, we saw her swimming in my body. We carried her for nine months. We talked to her, read to her, sang to her. We took her to the movies, we knew her favorite foods. We had a life planned for her, around her. She was the center of our universe. We painted her bedroom, we bought her blankets, clothing, toys. We kept a journal of the times she would kick, how she would respond to her daddy's voice. She and I had special songs that we would listen to as I drove to work. She had brown hair. She had my nose. She would have loved giraffes, and the color purple. The day we lost her was the worst day of our lives. We had to buy her a casket. We had to pick out a headstone. We had a funeral for her, but we will never get to throw her a party. I think about her every day. I miss her every moment. I would do anything to talk to her, to tell her how much I love her.
Yes, we named our daughter. Her name is Charlotte.