Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Walk To Remember

I'm here again.  Alone this time.  I thought I'd just show up and grab my shirts and then leave again. But on the way here I thought,  why?  Mike and the kids are having fun at gramma' s. I have nothing to get to.  I have nowhere to be.  So I'm sitting in the grass waiting for the program to begin. Waiting to hear my daughter's name called.  Waiting to release a balloon to her in heaven.  There are way too many people here. Way too many babies lost forever. October is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness month.  How many people even know that?  Beyond the 500 or so people here.  And the people at the walks in cities around America this month.  How many people have any idea?  You can't blink without seeing pink effing ribbons.  Pink merchandise as far as the eye can see.  It's almost a holiday,  for those companies that make money hand over fist for "breast cancer research".  Everyone knows that October is pink.  But in my world,  October is pink and blue.  October is lighting candles and releasing balloons and every day,  trying to remind the world about my baby.  About all of the babies.  I won't do a breast cancer awareness manicure this month.  I won't post a breast cancer gif on my social media.  Everyone knows about that.  I want people to know about our babies. I want them to remember that October is for Charlotte.  Cory. Kate. Samuel and Ezekiel.  Melissa. Brayden. Christian.  Madeline. Rowan. All of the babies that didn't come home.  The babies that were carried.  Loved.  Lost. 
Today I am at the Share Parents of Utah Walk of Remembrance and Hope.  Today I am spending time with my daughter's memory. In my daughter's memory.  Her name was Charlotte and she was perfect.