Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I remember when I was a kid, jumping off of my bed into the hallway where the light was on. I was sure there was something hiding under my bed and it couldn't get me if I was standing in the light. I hope Sophia is never scared of those monsters.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Every time I hear that song, it's like Charlotte is saying hello.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I cannot believe it's the end of October. Where the hell did this year go? I know I didn't spend it sleeping. I wouldn't be this freaking tired. And since when did my life become so busy? I haven't been spending my usual hours online. So why is my house a wreck and my garage still full of boxes? How in the hell did the year go by without anything being accomplished? I know we were snowed by the cancer stuff, but there is life outside of cancer. I just don't know who's living it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

It's odd how it comes and goes. By Friday evening, I wasn't crazy anymore. But the holidays are coming, and birthdays. I am thankful for Celexa.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Some nights are really hard. After I say my prayers and I try to sleep. And some nights all I can do is lie awake and think about Charlotte. Usually it's little things like how she would kick so much, and so hard. But tonight it all came back at once. The pizza dance she did. How we were so sure that she would love her pizza her whole life. That she would always do her pizza dance for us. The hot chocolate that I drank gallons of that winter, because she liked it so much. And how when I was holding her in my arms, I couldn't stop kissing her face and telling her how sorry I was. To this day, I'm still not sure what I was apologizing for. For not keeping her safe, I guess. For not being a good enough mommy to keep her. For now knowing that something was wrong. I think about how I was relieved when it was time for the people from Primary Children's to come and get her. Because I thought when she was gone, it would stop being real. It would stop hurting so much. We made them take her blanket because it was the middle of winter. I have never stopped wishing I still had that blanket. It was minty green with blue and pink giraffes on it. I was thinking about how when I would drive to work in the mornings, I would play the CD i made for her. "Fireflies" by Faith Hill. I still cannot listen to that song without her. She wont get to believe in Peter Pan. She was so alive. I would sing to her, every single day. I talked to her non-stop for 8 months. She was real. She was alive. And then she was gone. And some days it feels like it didn't happen. It feels like she's a fictional character in a story I've told too many times. And just saying that out loud makes me want to curl up and die. How can it feel like my baby, my child, my hope, my life.. how can it feel like it was a dream? But I remember when I was in labor, and I had the extra pain medicine (because of the epidural that dripped down my back instead of into it.. because of the pitocin that caused contractions so hard that the nurses freaked out because they thought my uterus would rupture..) and I could not feel anything. When my doctor told me to stop pushing for a second, and I didn't hear her, or just didn't listen. And her shoulders came out and I needed stitches. That was real. And I think about that, and I lay in my bed and writhe in agony because it was real, and I haven't forgotten. But everyone else has. I think about how they moved me out of my room in L&D and stuck me in a room in the basement of the hospital. Like they were hiding me. Like I was a dirty secret. The nurse there was horrid and to this day, I still can remember how she seemed so cruel, and yet I thought maybe they hadn't told her why I was there, and that's why she was rude. How the next day a nurse came in with a Rubella vaccine and made me take the shot, even though I was arguing and crying. And it hurt like she'd stabbed me with an ice pick. All I wanted to do was go home and forget that I was alive.
Lately, every time I see her name, it makes me lose my breath. I wont get to see her name on a check. I wont get to write about her first steps, or her first date. Her beautiful name, that we spent so much time deciding on. Her name that is a song, and a wish, and a beautiful memory. And I can't even keep it for myself.
I miss her so much that I can't catch my breath. So much of my days are spent pretending life is okay. That the sun is shining. But so much of the day is consumed by a need to hold her. To see her eyes, to hear her voice. I want to talk to her. I want to reassure her that I would save her if I could. That I wanted her more than I wanted to breathe. That I still want her more than there are stars. That she can never be replaced. That the hole in my heart is deep, and wide, and endless.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Mike's cast came off today. So that's good news.
I've had some serious ringing in my ears for a few weeks now. It got really bad when I was taking antibiotics. Those ended yesterday and I have high hopes that this will go away. It actually keeps me awake at night. It's 40 degrees at night and I have to sleep with the fan on just for the noise. But that reminds me that I haven't taken any sleeping pills (of any sort) in several days. Maybe a couple of weeks? Since I have to get up at 5:30am, I wont be trying them tonight.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I just spent over an hour in the garage, cleaning. I filled both the trash, and recycle bins. It looks worse now. I told Mike that the garage will be cleaned out by the end of the weekend, so we can start parking both cars in there. I don't think I realized how much crap we have had sitting in there since we moved in (10 1/2 months ago..) I threw away a lot. Including gift bags that I've been holding onto since Charlotte's baby showers. I know, realistically, that I can't hold on to stuff just because it reminds me of her. But it's hard letting go of things that remind me of when she lived inside of me, of when she kicked and danced, and gave us such hope and joy. But paper bags are not my baby, so I let them go. 3 1/2 years later.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Halloween is coming. Did you know that this month has 5 fridays, 5 saturdays, and 5 sundays? And interesting tidbit for you...
Anyway, we don't know what Sophia is going to dress up as. She says she wants to be a princess, we just haven't found a good costume yet. The weather has definitely turned into Fall. It's a little bit chilly, but not quite jacket weather. 5:30am sucks, but we still haven't caved in and turned on the furnace. We'll just suffer for a few more days.
I've had a headache for a week straight. I assume it's my sinuses, and that the antibiotic I'm on will help. Otherwise I'll just cut it off.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I would really like to do better than 4 posts a month. It's not like I don't have the time. In fact, right now we're sitting in the chemo clinic- and have been for 2 hours. I've been reading magazines (1 paragraph at a time because I have very little in the way of an attention span here). But on the other hand, I don't have much to say. Mike's kidneys are doing better so they're doing the 125mg of Oxaliplatin again. His BP is still up though. I asked his doctor about the fact that he's doing "too well" as far as feeling okay vs. side effects. Does it mean this treatment isn't working? Of course not. Dr. Chandramouli said that some people have asked him very seriously if he was giving them Koolaid instead of chemo. But after the year we've had, it would not surprise me in the least if something in the lab got mixed up every time we came in and he was getting saline. Nitin said that isn't happening.
Flu season is coming fast. Sophia is getting her shot tomorrow. Mike probably Friday. I need to call my doctor and go in for mine. Yay.
It's a nice day. It rained last night so the world smelled clean this morning. The clouds are moving in and out and it's heating up, so it's humid. We're sitting by the window today. The clinic has their Halloween decorations up and it makes me feel lazy. Mine are still in Dea's garage. I guess we should go clean them out so they can have their space back.
I'm hungry. I want chinese food. Or indian. Mmmmm, chicken tikka masala....

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Sophia had a fever for 5 days. But it's been gone since 1am, so we're thinking it's going going gone. It was scary high (103) but the doctor said it's a viral thing and wouldn't respond to antibiotics. I haven't slept in 4 nights. She actually ate tonight, so hopefully we'll get some sleep.
So here's the story...
Sept. 30, 2009- we signed the closing papers on our first house. Long story short, the previous owner flooded it the night before we got our keys. We got stuck with a lot of repairs. Luckily we have AMAZING family and friends that helped. A year later, it's finally feeling like home.
Sept. 30, 2010- Mike's company announces that they are selling the part of the company he works with (along with his mom, his sister [who bought a house last week] and several hundred other people with families). Nov. 1 they will announce their "plans" and will give the employees a 30 day notice. Basically, by Nov. 30 it is likely Mike will be out of a job. And yes, he carries the health insurance that is paying for his cancer treatment. It scares the hell out of me because there are so many people looking for jobs now. So many people living on unemployment. So many people without health insurance. We cannot be those people. We don't have a plan right now because we do not know what it going to happen. If some employees will be able to get jobs with the new company (we know that not all of them will). I've told my boss that I will be taking on more hours in the coming weeks. But not right now. Right now we're trying to breathe.
I'm trying to figure out how in the hell to get brave enough to sell my hair accessories online (, probably). I don't know where my inferiority complex concerning my products comes from. It's cute stuff. I sell it cheap. What's the problem?
Anyway.. It's been in the mid to high 80s all week. Not cool (haha). It's October, for freaking sake. The 3T long-sleeved Halloween shirts I bought on clearance last year are just sitting in Sophia's closet, waiting for the weather to turn normal. It will probably just start snowing next week. Frick.