Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It's hard to explain my issues with sleep. Since I can remember, I've had insomnia. Whatever that means. I used to lie awake at night convinced that I had forgotten how to sleep. Now it's more of of me waking up at random times and not being able to get back to sleep. Or I will fall asleep and wake up 10 minutes later. This past week has been all about waiting for morning. I even tried to take a nap with Sophia yesterday and failed miserably. I know I could take sleep aids but I'm half convinced that I would become instantly addicted (even though I have taken them many, many times over the years and been fine.) I think my brain knows how wonderful escape sounds and wont let me participate. Sometimes my brain is smarter than me.
Of course at night I have a lot of time to think about the things I try to ignore otherwise. Mike has cancer. He is having a big scary surgery. I will be in the waiting room when the nurse/doctor comes out to tell the family how the surgery went. I have no words for how this terrifies me. Even though I know we have to do this. I know we have to get this poison out of him. I think that by not thinking about it, I'm trying to will it to be a mistake. I've spent a good amount of time fighting the urge to be angry. Why waste what little energy I have on something I have no control over? I can feel like God is testing us again. But why bother? It is was it is.
That's not to say that I understand. We've been through a lot. And yes, we pulled through. We are amazing, strong, blah blah blah. But why can't we be given some time to breathe? 70 years would be nice.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Here we are.
Thursday Mike will undergo major surgery to take out his tumor. Only then will we know for sure if the cancer has spread. It will be a long, terrible, brutal, and amazing day. We are going to get past this. We are going to fight. We have watched Wilson go through this ugliness since December. I have cried for him and I have cheered for him. Now it's our turn.
I planted some of Charlotte's garden last night. Sophia and Mike helped. With rain, sunshine, and rainbows, it will bloom bright purple, pink and yellow. We need the rainbows. We need your prayers. We need hope. I believe in hope. Since losing our baby, it's been one of my only strengths. I can hope like nobody's business. I'm relying on that right now.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The sun is out today.
Mike had another blood transfusion yesterday. 3 units to replace what he's losing from all of his "issues". Tomorrow he will meet with a surgeon to find out what and when we're getting rid of this crap.
Sophia is having a wild child day. I can barely keep up.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I'm not happy today. I guess it's like yesterday. No reason, I'm just very down.
And what's funny is that on Friday, even after we got the biopsy results- I was in a great mood. My husband has cancer, but life is still livable. We've gotten through the worst things life has to offer. And we will get through this.
And today, Wilson is having surgery to remove his tumor! I wish I could be in NY with his mom, to hold her hand and drink massive amounts of coffee. But instead we've said our prayers and are waiting to hear spectacular news about how well the surgery went. No child should get sick. No child should know what cancer is. No 2 year old should lose their hair with chemo and need a g-tube to get all of their medications.
Today is a day of hope, but I am in serious need of a rainbow.

Friday, May 7, 2010

We should have biopsy results today. We should have had them 4 days ago. Waiting isn't my strong suit.