Of course at night I have a lot of time to think about the things I try to ignore otherwise. Mike has cancer. He is having a big scary surgery. I will be in the waiting room when the nurse/doctor comes out to tell the family how the surgery went. I have no words for how this terrifies me. Even though I know we have to do this. I know we have to get this poison out of him. I think that by not thinking about it, I'm trying to will it to be a mistake. I've spent a good amount of time fighting the urge to be angry. Why waste what little energy I have on something I have no control over? I can feel like God is testing us again. But why bother? It is was it is.
That's not to say that I understand. We've been through a lot. And yes, we pulled through. We are amazing, strong, blah blah blah. But why can't we be given some time to breathe? 70 years would be nice.