Today has really been an off day for me. I've felt as though I was under water. Everything seemed blurry and muffled. It's strange what it takes to make that go away.

It started with a 20 minute listen to Glenn Beck. I have always found him entertaining, and most of the time I find him frightening. He speaks in a way that grabs you by the throat. All of his rants on politics I normally listen to with only one ear. I think it's all (mostly) true, but I can't concentrate on the world falling apart right now. I just can't. I have to focus on rainbows just to keep sane. But today he started telling a story and got sidetracked. He began talking about how he tries to be a good man and lead a good, decent life. And how We ALL need to begin to stop being the people we've let ourselves become and start being the people we truly are. How we need to be better people who are WORTHY of the blessings we have. That really hit me. I am a good person. I am flawed, and I will never be perfect. But I am good. But I need to be better in order to really show how thankful I am for what I have. He said we need to stop doing the things that destroy us and our families. I know he was talking of much bigger things, but I know that there are simple things that I can do, and I will start today. i want to be worthy.

I can't believe how time is flying. It's closer to August than June. Soon we will be panicking over Christmas again. Another chemo week is gone, and it wasn't a horrible one. Rik (Dr. Chandramouli's PA) told us that sessions 1-5 are going to be a breeze but 5-8 will be horrible (yay) and after that it even out again. We'll see. Mike is stronger and more amazing than I'd ever realized.

We're deep in the middle hell of Summer. I think it's been 100+ for 5 days in a row. Our a/c (evaporative cooler) is working hard, but some days it still feels like the indoors are outdoors. Yuck. But too soon it will be October and Halloween and November and Thanksgiving.. I know everyone says the same thing, but how weird that the older you get the faster time goes by. My baby will be 3 in 5 months. 3.

A little overdramatic, I suppose.

Today my plan is to stay inside. 96 degrees is too many degrees, as my friend Stephanie would say. Sophia is currently carrying around her cell phone like a baby and saying, "shhh, it's okay." Maybe it was the corndog I fed her for breakfast (hey, she also had 1/2 an orange!) Yo Gabba Gabba is on tv, and it's Dancey Dance Time! Glitter hands!! Go Leslie!

I should be doing something productive. Sewing, cleaning, sleeping.. Instead I've been browsing blogs all morning. Craft blogs mostly. There's a lot of cool stuff out there that I don't know how to do, or would screw up big time if I did. But I'll keep looking.

Hopefully we will be able to make a quick trip to California next month to see the ocean (and Jer and Wyatt, duh!). But if not, the ocean will be there next year.. Or whenever we get our bills paid.

As usual, I spoke too soon. Mike was very sick all day. And he hasn't even started this week's chemo. I hate cancer.

I'm not sure what's been up with the crazy dreams lately. The one Friday night was horrible. It was basically telling me that It was my fault that we lost our baby. That it was a choice I made. It will haunt me forever. Even though I know I did everything "right" and I couldn't have known her heart would stop beating for "no reason," it will haunt me.

It's chemo week again. Last time wasn't so bad, as far as chemo goes. We know it will get worse. But for now we're just taking it a week at a time.

Biggie is back in the hospital. He was supposed to go in tomorrow to start prepping for his stem cell transplant. But instead he ended up in the ER with another fever last night. That kid needs prayers. Our buddy Wilson (aka Biggie). His parents could use a few as well.

Bad dreams last night. Guilt dreams. I will post more later. I realize I don't post enough here. I don't do much of anything lately. Now I'm going to bed.

Crazy dreams last night.

One was that i showed up to work and wasn't supposed to be there until the next night. So I was talking with people and getting ready to leave. Lana handed me my mother's ring. Some little boy had found it. It was mangled. But it was engraved with Charlotte's name. I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy that it was found. Mike got there and we were ready to leave. It was way after hours because we were being audited. The regional manager used to work with Mike. There was some weirdo lady asking me about things to fix the bumper on her truck. Co-workers were shopping, there were disco lights and the store was a mess. Very strange.

It's the end of the week I was dreading.

Mike had his port installed Tuesday. Wednesday he started chemotherapy. They gave him 2 of 3 drugs through the port while we were in the cancer center. The last one ran through a pump for 46 hours. Luckily (and I hate that word) the pump was portable and he could take it home and to work. He didn't get sick until this afternoon, although he was rundown and tired since yesterday. He slept until 5pm today.

It's going to be a long 6 months.

It's the end of the week I was dreading.

Mike had his port installed Tuesday. Wednesday he started chemotherapy. They gave him 2 of 3 drugs through the port while we were in the cancer center. The last one ran through a pump for 46 hours. Luckily (and I hate that word) the pump was portable and he could take it home and to work. He didn't get sick until this afternoon, although he was rundown and tired since yesterday. He slept until 5pm today.

It's going to be a long 6 months.