Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I don't like big crowds of people. I like them even less when Sophia is with me and we are trying to make our way through them. She is so small and so ready to run, and I doubt my ability to keep up with her. So I tell her to stay with me. I tell her not to run too far ahead. But she's 3, and 3 year olds are not great listeners, especially when they are excited. Especially when they are with friends who also like to run. So when we are at the zoo, and it's spring break, and there are 900 other people surrounding us, and no one seems to care if their children are within arms reach, or even within their line of eyesight- I freak out a little. I want to know where my daughter is. I want to know that she's safe. I want to make sure that no one can sneak away with her if I turn my head. I think a crowded day at the zoo would be an ideal place for a kidnapping. Is that crazy? Yes. Is it true? Hell yes. So if I freak out when my daughter, my baby, my world, runs off- let it be. She is mine. She is my responsibility and my joy. I've lost a child already, and although you don't think it's the same thing, and I know it's not the same thing- I am overprotective. I am overbearing. I am a little bit wild when it comes to keeping my girl by my side. Let it be. I will relax when I am at home and she is safely sitting next to me watching Tangled for the 20th time. But do not tell me that I am a bad mom for my choices. Do not act as if my choice to protect my baby is infringing on your fun.