Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Monday, January 30, 2012

How many just-turned-4-year old's birthday wish when blowing out their candles is for "everyone to have a nice time" at their party? That's just how awesome my Sophia is <3
After she would unwrap a present, she would run across the room to give the person (who gave it to her) a big hug and kiss. My 4 year old is amazing!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Today after we had Sophia's birthday pictures taken, we let one of the balloons go for Charlotte.
Later, Sophia made up a story about how her sister died. She told Mike that her sister had gotten run over by a big, rusty car, and died.
Even later, she told our friend that her sister is Charlotte, and we sent her a balloon today.
These are big steps. Huge.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

So yesterday was Mike's cancer check up. He got the results of his CT. Dr. Chandramouli said the scan showed no signs of disease, and his bloodwork is okay. Which is good. Dr Chandramouli also set up an appointment for him to see a surgeon for his incisional hernia. Also good.
He also talked to him about some other, not so good things. But we've been aware of those things for a while now and we're dealing with them. It's not necessarily health issues, but if I got into it here, he would probably hate me for a few minutes.
So overall, good news.

Monday, January 16, 2012

I'm staying up late to watch ZombieLand, because if I go to bed before my Tylenol PM kicks in, the wind will give me nightmares.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Today was a better day. I only half-cried, twice. Once when I was talking about the infant car seat we have- it's "expired" but I wont throw it away. It was bought for Charlotte. Sophia can use it for her "babies". I wont throw it out. And once when my friend and I were talking about pregnancy and birth. I don't know if I will ever have a "typical" birth experience. It's something I always wanted, and it was taken away from me twice. (Although Sophia got here safe, so who cares how she arrived? Other than the stress and the fact that it was unexpected.)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I tried to go to bed. I tried to go to sleep. It was early, but all I could think was that I wanted to be alone. So I lifted Sophia's head off of my right arm and gently laid it down on her half-pillow (the only one that fits in between Mike's and mine on our bed- because if she doesn't have her own pillow when she's in there, she rests her giant 3 year old head on mine, and then I might as well sleep on the floor..)
Today was a bad day. Tonight was a bad night.
I mentioned putting Sophia's booster seat together. She reached the 40 pound weight limit for the 5 point harness, so we had to convert it. My 3 year old is the size of a small 6 year old. My three year old is the size that I think her sister would be, at 5. My three year old put her arm around my neck today and said, "Don't cry, mama. Please don't cry." I told her I was crying because she is getting so big, which is partly true. I told her I am happy to watch her get bigger, which is all the way true. Even on the bad days, the days I feel hopeless and empty- I am thankful to see one of my girls growing up.
I can't explain how hard it is to not be angry. How exhausting it is to constantly be thankful and grateful and happy and how hard it is just to try to be normal. How lonely I feel sometimes.
Tonight, because today was so bad, I am going to be selfish and sad and angry.
But when I go back to bed, I will slide my right arm back under Sophia's giant three year old head, and I will take a deep breath, and I will close my eyes, and I will stop.
There was not much good about today.
The car failed inspection. Again. So we continue to drive it on expired plates and wait for the sensors to reset. And hope I don't get pulled over because they could (and would, because that is our luck) impound the stupid thing.
I had to turn Sophia's car seat into a booster seat. Which took a ridiculous long time. And I cried while I took it apart. And I cried when I buckled her into it. It feels like I'm not keeping her safe anymore.
There is other stuff. So much more. All I wanted to do today was stay in bed and sleep and cry and pretend that I don't have responsibilities.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Today I cried because Sophia doesn't have a sister to play Barbies with. I have to be her sister because her sister died.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I never (never ever) thought I would be the mom to an only child. Even though I am the mommy of 2 perfect girls, Sophia is an only child. I don't know if she always will be, but it's hard to think that she might.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I'm on Google, looking for pictures to use as inspiration for Sophia's birthday cake (I know what I want it to look like, but I have to see what it would look like..) and all I can think is, "Charlotte's 5th birthday.. Charlotte's 5th birthday.." It's not fair to my amazing, brilliant, fun, sparkly, sassy, perfect, almost-4-year old. It's not fair to anyone. It's just plain not fair.