Last Day

3 years ago today was Charlotte's due date. It ended up being the first time I was able to leave my house (aside from the funeral and doctor visit). I went to a great Indian food restaurant with my best friends. I don't remember what we talked about and I don't remember if I ate my chicken. I think I don't think too often about her due date, because by then it was over. There was no more waiting and wanting. Only a grey cloud in my head. I'm actually impressed, looking back, that I was able to be around people only 3 weeks after losing her. I barely want to be around people now- 3 years later. At times.

I guess what brings this up is that last night I was looking in the safe for some marriage license stuff for insurance. And of course, also in the safe are the funeral documents. The paperwork for the casket we had to pick out for our daughter. And the autopsy report. That jumble of medical phrases that gave us no answers as to why her heart stopped beating. I wasn't very tempted to open it up last night and try again to find something that would tell me why. There is no why. She is gone. She is so far away that I can't feel her watching me. I can't tell Sophia that her sister is watching over her. I wish I could lie. Maybe someday I will. Or maybe someday I will feel her again. But now she isn't here. She's either somewhere far away, or she is nowhere. I guess that's the question I'll have to try and answer. I don't know what books to read or where to go and pray. I only know that it's unfair. Not only was my daughter lost, but some of my hope as well.