Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Tonight I feel like I don't need sleep. Like I could go for days without sleeping at all. I tried to go to bed, but couldn't fall asleep. At least there's Lifetime Movie Network.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

It can't be 1:00. All Sophia and I have done today is sit on the couch and watch cartoons OnDemand. I haven't showered, cleaned, done any laundry.. And today is my last day off. I guess it doesn't help that I was up all night, nauseated and throwing up. I don't know why. Something I ate, probably.
One of the cartoons we watched had a little girl named Charlotte. It made me mad. How could they name a child Charlotte? That's our name. Don't they know that it hurt me? I guess that's one of the things I am going to have to get over. And since it only started about 2 years ago (the name bothering me) I guess it's possible that it will just stop.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

This morning I was on Pinterest, just looking around. I saw a picture of a bride and groom sealing a time capsule at their wedding. I thought, wouldn't it be fun to do that at Sophia's birthday party? Have all the guests bring something to put in it. For her 5th birthday, I thought, and she could open it at her 10th. And re-do it for her 15th. And I thought, I should start planning, only 6 months to go. And then I realized-She's not turning 5 next year. Charlotte is.
So then started crying, feeling like a shitty mom for getting my kids ages mixed up. For letting my mind plan something for my 5 year old that I wont get to have a party for. I may still have the time capsule party for Sophia's 4th. Or I wont. So that was my shitty mom moment of the day.
About 45 minutes later, Sophia woke up and came downstairs. She asked me to go upstairs and get back in bed with her. I said, "No way, it's time to party!" And she said, "But I don't want to party. I want to sleep." So I went upstairs and snuggled with her (but didn't let her go back to sleep because then she'd be up all night. It's 10:50- guess who's still up?) But we snuggled, and we giggled, and that was my not-so-shitty mom moment of the day.