Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Last night, it finally happened. I had a dream about Charlotte. It's the second dream I've had about her since she died. This one was sad like the first, but it was also amazing.
I walked into a funeral home and some of our friends were standing outside of a glass room. I don't know who these people were. There were four of them, and I remember knowing that they weren't close friends, but they were there for us- doing something great for us. It's like they were standing guard. When we got there, they seemed relieved, because they could go. I was okay with that. I walked right by them without speaking. They asked if we needed anything to eat, and I said, "no, thank you." and walked into the glass room. There were stands with flowers, a plush carpet. The room was only about 12'x12' There were 3 babies in the room, waiting for their families to come and see them. Charlotte was near the back, on the left. She was lying on the floor, with her head towards the center of the room and her feet towards the wall. I thought, "they couldn't even put her in something- a bed?" The other babies were in bassinets (or possibly caskets? I didn't pay that much attention because I was flying to my baby's side.) I knelt down beside her. I knew she was dead, but she was also alive. Her eyes opened and she looked at me. I don't what know I said to her. I know I babbled a little. "It's me. It's mommy. Shhh, I'm here." She looked at me and she knew me.

And I woke up. I woke up and I sat up in bed and I smiled, because I got to see my baby. I got to touch her and speak to her. I tried to stay awake so I could revel in the fact that I had seen her. Then it occurred to me that if I fell back asleep, maybe I would go back to the dream. I didn't, but it's enough. Those few seconds, seeing her eyes, knowing she knew who I was. Two dreams in 6 years- that's all I have of my daughter, but I feel so blessed to have that.