I'm not a religious person. I haven't ever been, really, even though I was raised in a family that went to church most weeks. I went to church events, though reluctantly. I am close to people who have chosen to stay in the church, and I don't disagree with their decision to do so. But I left, and I walked away feeling fine with my decision. I used to think I was a spiritual person, but over the last few years I've lost even that. But here's a secret, I still pray. Every night, I say the words in my head, more often than not, the same words I always say, with some variation here and there, depending on the day. I still pray, but I'm not sure why. I don't know if i believe anymore, in anything. I'm not sure if I'm praying because it's habit, or hope. I feel like I beg and I beg, and I just feel nothing. Since Dawn and Wyatt died, especially, it's hard for me to pray. Not because losing them made me lose faith, because I honestly don't know if I had faith before that. Losing both of them so close together, not being able to properly grieve for either of them, I feel stuck. I stopped praying for them, obviously, and of course kept praying for our families. But even that has stopped. Maybe I feel like it wasn't being heard, maybe I felt like it wasn't enough, I don't know. I wish I knew where to go, what to do, to find the kind of faith other people have. Not knowing is the absolute hardest thing about losing people. Will I see them again? If not, what's the fucking point?
We lost Charlotte before we even had her. I spent 9 months as her mom, getting to know as much of her as I ever would. But then in an instant, she was gone. Forever? It terrifies me to think that I will never have another chance to hold her, to see her face. To not know is sickening. I used to believe that I would see her in heaven, but now? Now I'm stumbling, I've lost my balance, and it feels like it's so much easier to just fall.