Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Friday, February 24, 2017

10 years

Ten years ago tonight,  we went to bed with a lifetime in front of us. We had dinner with Mike's parents, on the way home we talked about having a small get together when Mike's friend was in town,  our last party before the baby was born. Did I wake up in the middle of the night, as I so often did, to feel her moving around,  dancing,  enjoying the homemade egg rolls we'd had for dinner?  Did I feel her moving? Did I sleep through her death? My body resting as my daughter's heart slowed and stopped.  What was I dreaming about as she slipped away from us?  I was 36w 4d pregnant with our first child,  and when I woke up in the morning,  she was already gone.
I can't revisit that morning.  I cannot relive that right now,  I am too weak,  and I've done it a thousand times already.  None of my searching will matter, because after ten years,  we still don't know why. The experts,  the tests,  the studies could not explain to us why our healthy baby girl had died. The look in the doctors eyes when they all told us, there is no answer. 

Tonight I am letting Sophia and Miles sleep in my bed.  I will wake up and check their breathing,  like I always do.  I will touch their faces and hold their hands.  None of this brings back my Charlotte, none of this makes it better. But it gives me something to hold onto.

6 comments:

  1. God bless you and your family. Your little angel will never be forgotten, she will live in your hearts forever.

    Happy Birthday in Heaven to your beautiful angel baby Charlotte!

    Extra hugs and kisses to your rainbow babies or as I like to call them our angels on earth.

    Maria, ^i^ Melissa's mommy , 🌈 Marisela &
    🌈 Mario

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you. I don't know ehatvmore to say because I am just so angry for you and for me. But I love you and I appreciate you so much. Xoxo

    - Felishia

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love you, friend. I know those words pale in comparison to what you're feeling right now, but know that you are loved and cherished, and so is your beautiful baby Charlotte. <3

    ReplyDelete