Living with the loss of stillbirth and learning to live in the sunshine of our new normal.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Pressure

This week has been long. I go from calm and reasonable to a raving lunatic just like "that". I can feel, especially today, that my blood pressure is sky high. My whole body can feel it. I'm shaky and dizzy. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest. My head is pounding.

I keep thinking about Laura. But I make myself stop. I can't cry now, I can't cry now. I feel like now is never the time to cry. So I have this pressure in my chest and in my head and behind my not crying eyes. I'll think about it later. I'll be sad later. I'll miss her later. I've been living my life in laters for 8 years. I suppose that it helped me survive losing my sister and my daughter. I suppose it is the reason I blanked out of reality (and I don't think I've quite found my way back) when my daughter died, less than two years after my sister died, instead of going completely and irreversibly insane. But what happens when my later crashes? How big will the explosion be?

1 comment:

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