This picture makes me smile.

I knew it had been a while, but I didn't realize a month had gone by.

A lot has happened, but a lot of it I don't want to talk about.

I know, I'm a terrible blogger. I never would have survived blogging in the golden days of blogging. When it was cool.

Whatever.

I was struck by a thought yesterday while listening to talk radio. The host said he believes in heaven and hell. That's all it took. I started thinking that yes, I believe in heaven. I believe that we go somewhere better than this. And I had to admit to myself, that I haven't given it enough thought. Not the right and wrong, not the who and why. But what is heaven? It is paradise. It is the ultimate reward. I can imagine sunshine and rainbows all the time. The brightest stars you've never seen. The perfect temperature. No gusting wind. Amazing, fragrant flowers, and no allergies. And of course, this is all beside who is there waiting for me.

And that's what I thought about yesterday.

I'm reading a book right now, a new book. A book that I had no idea would affect me. But it turns out to be a book about a woman who lost her baby girl. Different circumstances, but they don't have to be mine to hurt. Her pain makes me look at mine. She wonders what her daughter would look like "at this age". Why don't I do that? Oh, I know why I don't do it, but I need to think about it. Not letting myself think about it is what makes her feel so far away. I don't let myself think about it because it hurts. It hurts. Would she have brown eyes like me, or blue eyes like her daddy? Would her hair be brown like her sister's, or blond like her cousin's? Questions like that are enough to keep pregnant women up at night. And it's worse when you will never know.

Last weekend, we went to a barbecue. There was a little girl there, whose mommy was pregnant with her when I was pregnant with Charlotte. This beautiful little girl and Sophia became instant friends. They held hands as they ran around playing in the yard. They giggled, they hugged. I kept looking at her and thinking, she could be Charlotte. She could be. It was a tough night. Because I can't very well tell anyone where why I'm standing against the wall holding my breath. Crazy person. I feel like I'm always the crazy person in the room, whether anyone notices, or not. Because I know what's running in my head. And people think I'm anti social. Or bitchy. But I'm just trying to hold the crazy in. It's not my party, and I can't cry here.

I hate feeling powerless. I do believe that is human nature. We want to do things. We want to help people. We want to make a difference.

On Easter, Mike, Sophia and I drove to Las Vegas. The next day, we drove to San Diego. My sister, her husband, and their son live there. That evening, we drove to San Clemente, about an hour north, where my brother, sister in law, and their son live. The next day, we all went to Disneyland. The next day, to the beach. The next day, San Diego zoo. But none of those things matter today. (I will get to blogging about that later. I've been avoiding it and it wasn't until the past 2 that days I figured out why.)

I miss my family. I miss them like I can't describe. My sister is my best friend. Her son is Sophia's best friend. Not a day passes that Sophia doesn't ask to go to Aiden's house, or tell me she wants to share her toys/snack/zoo with Aiden. I cried every time she said his name for 2 weeks when we got home. (yes, that means I only stopped crying yesterday). I've been trying not to even think about my family, because they're 900 miles away. I am really good at pretending that if I ignore a problem, it's not a problem. (Unless it's someone else's problem. Think husband and cancer..)

So yesterday the word grief starting dancing in my head. I feel like I am grieving for the life that we don't have. My family lives in California because my brother and my brother in law are Marines. They are stationed there, they work there, and so it falls in line that they live there too. I just haven't accepted it yet. I keep waiting for them to come home. Because my mind is evil and it thinks Utah is home, even though they've lived in California for 4 years. I've spent the past 4 years pouting because they left, and I miss them. And there's not a single thing I can do about it.

I can't lie. If gas was $2.50 a gallon, I would drive to California twice a month. I would drive 12 hours each way just to spend a day with my nephews. That sounds 10x more horrible, because I have 2 nephews that live down the street, that I see less often than that. I guess I explain that away by saying that they are teenagers, and could care less if they see me. But I know they love Sophia (who they do see more often, at my mom's house.) I know this doesn't make a cup of sense. I'm trying to work it out in front of my eyes, instead of behind them. I'm trying to face it, so I can live with it. I explained to Sophia (again) today that we couldn't go to Aiden's house, because Aiden lives far, far away. And I cried. Because I don't know when we will see him again. I don't know when I will get to meet my niece, who will be born in August. It crosses my mind that if I worked more hours, if I got a job that paid a better wage- if I worked all the time, we could afford to visit them again. But how can I make that choice? (the job thing is another thing I will bitch about at a later date.)

Back to the powerlessness. I feel like I can't help any of us. I can't help Wyatt, who spent last week in the hospital. I can't help Aiden, who misses his Sophia. I can't watch the kids and let my sisters and brothers have adult time. And I really can't spend more time in the middle of the night worrying so much about things I can't do.

And, it snowed today.

I have to be honest, Mother's Day this year came and went with not much of anything, good or bad. I had to work all day, and Mike made me breakfast. That was it. Bacon and an 8 hour shift. I received and gave cards, phone calls, texts. But I didn't feel like it was a special day.

And that's okay. I think that since my first MD, just a few short weeks after losing our daughter, it's just a day I'd rather skip over. That may sound harsh, because I am, in fact, a mom. I have been since I heard my Charlotte's heart beating. Since I saw it fluttering at 8 weeks. And, of course, I have a mom. A good mom. A mom who was a much better mom when I was 3 than I am to my 3 year old. I look at pictures of myself and my older sister, and our hair was always done. Our clothes were clean. We ate 3 meals a day (at the table, as a family.) We learned our letters and numbers before we went to kindergarten, and we played outside until it got dark. Don't get me wrong, I am a good mom. Maybe an above-average mom by today's standards. My girl tells me (and total strangers) that we are best friends. She tells me "I love you, mommy," without being prompted. She knows her numbers, to 20. And most of her letters. But she watches more tv than she should, because mommy is on the computer. And her hair is almost never "done." (But lets go ahead and blame that on the fact that she hates to have her hair combed. And okay, I will admit it, I'm crap at hairstyles.)

I think it didn't even occur to me that Mother's Day came and went and is over. And that I ignored it. I don't really dwell on my first MD, when I spent all day literally locked in my bedroom, alone and crying. I was a mom and no one dared call me. I was a mom but I didn't have a baby. I was a mom but no one needed me. My sisters and my mom gave me my beautiful mother's ring. A teeny, tiny gold ring with a dark purple amethyst. What I wouldn't give to find it in a pocket of an old purse..

But I guess my point is, I maybe feel a little bit like I push past this holiday now. I jump over it like a puddle. The other side is safer. The other side is dishes and laundry and Facebook, and not a day when I have to face the missing daughter that I try not to miss so much.

That makes me a liar. I miss her too much already. But then I read a babylost blog, or I talk to someone who visits her son's grave every day. And I feel that I am lacking. That I do not hurt enough. That I am too busy hopping over puddles to notice that my feet are wet anyway.

But sometimes I do notice. It's been raining for 3 days and not a rainbow in sight. Before I lost Charlotte (and really, because we lost Laura,) I never would have noticed. (by the way- did you know that after you lose a baby, your next child is called a "Rainbow Baby"?)

I don't talk about her every day. I don't cry every day. Sometimes I feel like she's already slipped away. That she was a part of a different, past life. That what I have now is everything. It makes me feel like a demon- feeling like I have a good life. How is life good, when you buried your child? When you had to sit at a table and choose a casket to bury the daughter you had been choosing clothing for just a week before. How can anything ever be okay again when you sat in the hospital and let a stranger take your baby away, without taking pictures of her, without dressing her, without seeing her eyes and hearing her cry?

And then Sophia sits next to me on the couch and asks me to read her a book. And that book turns into 3 books. And those books turn into a giggle fest because she called a hamster a lobster. And then it suddenly doesn't matter that I hate mother's day. She is more than a distraction. She is my best friend, my co-conspirator. And then today is just another day on the way to tomorrow.

Mother's Day.