I hate feeling powerless. I do believe that is human nature. We want to do things. We want to help people. We want to make a difference.

On Easter, Mike, Sophia and I drove to Las Vegas. The next day, we drove to San Diego. My sister, her husband, and their son live there. That evening, we drove to San Clemente, about an hour north, where my brother, sister in law, and their son live. The next day, we all went to Disneyland. The next day, to the beach. The next day, San Diego zoo. But none of those things matter today. (I will get to blogging about that later. I've been avoiding it and it wasn't until the past 2 that days I figured out why.)

I miss my family. I miss them like I can't describe. My sister is my best friend. Her son is Sophia's best friend. Not a day passes that Sophia doesn't ask to go to Aiden's house, or tell me she wants to share her toys/snack/zoo with Aiden. I cried every time she said his name for 2 weeks when we got home. (yes, that means I only stopped crying yesterday). I've been trying not to even think about my family, because they're 900 miles away. I am really good at pretending that if I ignore a problem, it's not a problem. (Unless it's someone else's problem. Think husband and cancer..)

So yesterday the word grief starting dancing in my head. I feel like I am grieving for the life that we don't have. My family lives in California because my brother and my brother in law are Marines. They are stationed there, they work there, and so it falls in line that they live there too. I just haven't accepted it yet. I keep waiting for them to come home. Because my mind is evil and it thinks Utah is home, even though they've lived in California for 4 years. I've spent the past 4 years pouting because they left, and I miss them. And there's not a single thing I can do about it.

I can't lie. If gas was $2.50 a gallon, I would drive to California twice a month. I would drive 12 hours each way just to spend a day with my nephews. That sounds 10x more horrible, because I have 2 nephews that live down the street, that I see less often than that. I guess I explain that away by saying that they are teenagers, and could care less if they see me. But I know they love Sophia (who they do see more often, at my mom's house.) I know this doesn't make a cup of sense. I'm trying to work it out in front of my eyes, instead of behind them. I'm trying to face it, so I can live with it. I explained to Sophia (again) today that we couldn't go to Aiden's house, because Aiden lives far, far away. And I cried. Because I don't know when we will see him again. I don't know when I will get to meet my niece, who will be born in August. It crosses my mind that if I worked more hours, if I got a job that paid a better wage- if I worked all the time, we could afford to visit them again. But how can I make that choice? (the job thing is another thing I will bitch about at a later date.)

Back to the powerlessness. I feel like I can't help any of us. I can't help Wyatt, who spent last week in the hospital. I can't help Aiden, who misses his Sophia. I can't watch the kids and let my sisters and brothers have adult time. And I really can't spend more time in the middle of the night worrying so much about things I can't do.

And, it snowed today.