Tonight I feel like I don't need sleep. Like I could go for days without sleeping at all. I tried to go to bed, but couldn't fall asleep. At least there's Lifetime Movie Network.

It can't be 1:00. All Sophia and I have done today is sit on the couch and watch cartoons OnDemand. I haven't showered, cleaned, done any laundry.. And today is my last day off. I guess it doesn't help that I was up all night, nauseated and throwing up. I don't know why. Something I ate, probably.

One of the cartoons we watched had a little girl named Charlotte. It made me mad. How could they name a child Charlotte? That's our name. Don't they know that it hurt me? I guess that's one of the things I am going to have to get over. And since it only started about 2 years ago (the name bothering me) I guess it's possible that it will just stop.

This morning I was on Pinterest, just looking around. I saw a picture of a bride and groom sealing a time capsule at their wedding. I thought, wouldn't it be fun to do that at Sophia's birthday party? Have all the guests bring something to put in it. For her 5th birthday, I thought, and she could open it at her 10th. And re-do it for her 15th. And I thought, I should start planning, only 6 months to go. And then I realized-She's not turning 5 next year. Charlotte is.

So then started crying, feeling like a shitty mom for getting my kids ages mixed up. For letting my mind plan something for my 5 year old that I wont get to have a party for. I may still have the time capsule party for Sophia's 4th. Or I wont. So that was my shitty mom moment of the day.

About 45 minutes later, Sophia woke up and came downstairs. She asked me to go upstairs and get back in bed with her. I said, "No way, it's time to party!" And she said, "But I don't want to party. I want to sleep." So I went upstairs and snuggled with her (but didn't let her go back to sleep because then she'd be up all night. It's 10:50- guess who's still up?) But we snuggled, and we giggled, and that was my not-so-shitty mom moment of the day.

This picture makes me smile.

I knew it had been a while, but I didn't realize a month had gone by.

A lot has happened, but a lot of it I don't want to talk about.

I know, I'm a terrible blogger. I never would have survived blogging in the golden days of blogging. When it was cool.

Whatever.

I was struck by a thought yesterday while listening to talk radio. The host said he believes in heaven and hell. That's all it took. I started thinking that yes, I believe in heaven. I believe that we go somewhere better than this. And I had to admit to myself, that I haven't given it enough thought. Not the right and wrong, not the who and why. But what is heaven? It is paradise. It is the ultimate reward. I can imagine sunshine and rainbows all the time. The brightest stars you've never seen. The perfect temperature. No gusting wind. Amazing, fragrant flowers, and no allergies. And of course, this is all beside who is there waiting for me.

And that's what I thought about yesterday.

I'm reading a book right now, a new book. A book that I had no idea would affect me. But it turns out to be a book about a woman who lost her baby girl. Different circumstances, but they don't have to be mine to hurt. Her pain makes me look at mine. She wonders what her daughter would look like "at this age". Why don't I do that? Oh, I know why I don't do it, but I need to think about it. Not letting myself think about it is what makes her feel so far away. I don't let myself think about it because it hurts. It hurts. Would she have brown eyes like me, or blue eyes like her daddy? Would her hair be brown like her sister's, or blond like her cousin's? Questions like that are enough to keep pregnant women up at night. And it's worse when you will never know.

Last weekend, we went to a barbecue. There was a little girl there, whose mommy was pregnant with her when I was pregnant with Charlotte. This beautiful little girl and Sophia became instant friends. They held hands as they ran around playing in the yard. They giggled, they hugged. I kept looking at her and thinking, she could be Charlotte. She could be. It was a tough night. Because I can't very well tell anyone where why I'm standing against the wall holding my breath. Crazy person. I feel like I'm always the crazy person in the room, whether anyone notices, or not. Because I know what's running in my head. And people think I'm anti social. Or bitchy. But I'm just trying to hold the crazy in. It's not my party, and I can't cry here.