If she hadn't died, I would be registering Charlotte for Kindergarten right now. Maybe even today, I would be inside an elementary school with my little girls standing next to me. We might be meeting her teacher, she would be smiling shyly at her soon-to-be classmates. If she hadn't died.

Fireflies

I'm listening to this song for the first time in 4 years. I used to sing it to Charlotte in the car. I have to start believing in fairy tales again before Sophia is too old to believe. I have to help her believe before its too late.

You'll still hope

Not even 3 minutes into Private Practice from last week, and I had to turn it off. Amelia going into labor.. How matter of fact she is about it, knowing she wont hear her baby cry. How she is acting so cold and so business-like. That's how I was. I just went through the steps to get it over with, so I didn't have to think about what was happening. Or what was going to happen. They don't tell you, when you're in that situation, that you'll still hope. You still hope that when your baby is born, the doctors were wrong and you will hear crying. That everyone and every test was wrong. They don't tell you that.

A kid by any other name

We're at the zoo. We're sitting in the Aisian Highlands, eating lunch. A small boy, maybe 5 or 6, just climbed up on the barrier fence that's about 3 feet off the ground with a 2 foot fence on top of that- perfectly safe if you're standing on the ground. It's a 10 foot drop from here. His mom glanced up and then got back to her food. As we're sitting in shocked irritation at the lack of parental responsibility, his mom says to his little sister, "Charlotte, eat." It feels like she punched me.

For the record, the kid was within arms reach of me (about 8 feet away from his mom) and if he had leaned over the railing or looked at all like he would actually go over, I would have both grabbed him, and said something to his mom. Instead I sat in quiet distain for someone who has no idea what is going through my mind.

Every once in a while on Pinterest, I will get stuck. I only see pins that will fit on certain boards. Many nights, it's Charlotte's board. Occasionally, I will search her name, just to see what pops up. Tonight that was not a good idea. A photo of a beautiful little girl with blond hair and brown eyes. Someone else's Charlotte. Never mine.

Mike and I got new phones a week ago. If I can actually blog from my phone, I think I can try to update more often. We'll see if this works.

Sophia refused to eat her carrots at dinner. Refused. She fell asleep while pouting at the table. I sent her to bed. Mike went up to snuggle her. So she fell asleep thinking I'm the meanest mom in the world.

Being a parent is hard.

Being a parent when you're angry at the entire world is harder.