February

As silly as it seems,  February sneaks up on me.  I can feel it coming,  often as soon as October.  But the holidays speed the world up,  things turn so quickly that I blink,  and it's February.  This heavy weight on my chest.  The insomnia.  Waking up in the middle of the night and looking around for someone who isn't there.  I touch my children's faces while they sleep.  I count their breaths.  There is always someone missing. A heartbeat that thunders,  but only I can hear it. 

She would have been 8 this month. She would be halfway through second grade. She would have giggling friends,  favorite clothes and movies.  Her sister and brother would drive her crazy.  She would roll her eyes at me like Sophia does.  She would be her daddy's girl,  like Sophia is.  So many things that she should be. 

So many times,  I've looked at Miles when he's asleep,  and have seen Charlotte's face.  I always thought she'd have looked like me and Sophia,  but I'm starting to realize that she was a mini Mike like Miles is.  The cheeks and the lips and the nose,  this is what she would have looked like if she had lived.  If she had had the chance to be 14 months old.  If she had had the chance to live. 

Walk To Remember

I'm here again.  Alone this time.  I thought I'd just show up and grab my shirts and then leave again. But on the way here I thought,  why?  Mike and the kids are having fun at gramma' s. I have nothing to get to.  I have nowhere to be.  So I'm sitting in the grass waiting for the program to begin. Waiting to hear my daughter's name called.  Waiting to release a balloon to her in heaven.  There are way too many people here. Way too many babies lost forever. October is Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness month.  How many people even know that?  Beyond the 500 or so people here.  And the people at the walks in cities around America this month.  How many people have any idea?  You can't blink without seeing pink effing ribbons.  Pink merchandise as far as the eye can see.  It's almost a holiday,  for those companies that make money hand over fist for "breast cancer research".  Everyone knows that October is pink.  But in my world,  October is pink and blue.  October is lighting candles and releasing balloons and every day,  trying to remind the world about my baby.  About all of the babies.  I won't do a breast cancer awareness manicure this month.  I won't post a breast cancer gif on my social media.  Everyone knows about that.  I want people to know about our babies. I want them to remember that October is for Charlotte.  Cory. Kate. Samuel and Ezekiel.  Melissa. Brayden. Christian.  Madeline. Rowan. All of the babies that didn't come home.  The babies that were carried.  Loved.  Lost. 

Today I am at the Share Parents of Utah Walk of Remembrance and Hope.  Today I am spending time with my daughter's memory. In my daughter's memory.  Her name was Charlotte and she was perfect.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

PCMC

So much has been going on lately. Not all of it good. Both of our cars broke down, one of them twice. As in, lots (and lots) of money. They're both running again, thanks to our great family and friends who stepped in to help us out.
 Miles had his follow up ultrasound to check his kidney. It came back a week later and the news was not good. His hydronephrosis has gotten worse, his right kidney is now a stage 3. We are going to PCMC tomorrow to see a pediatric urologist to see what the next step is. From what I've read on Dr. Google, it's probably going to mean surgery. He's only 8 1/2 months old. I can't even fathom having to check him into the hospital for a surgery. We'll see what happens tomorrow.
Sophia started first grade. The first week, I was a mess. I watched the clock for 7 hours, waiting to pick her up. I can't believe that my little baby girl is in full time school. For the next 12 years. It makes me want to cry. She likes it okay. She has a lot of friends in her class, and I think her teacher is going to be great for her.
I need to start updating this blog more often. I think about it every day, but always seem to freeze up when it comes to opening it. Too much going on in my head and I feel like if I open it up, there will be trouble.

These Dang Kids

These kids are amazing.  Some days it stops me in my tracks.  How did I manage to become so blessed?  How did I live before they came along?  Mike is really the best thing that ever happened to me,  because together we made these unbelievable children. My life is really wonderful,  and I am thankful.

Spring

We finally got some sunshine today. We walked Sophia home from school.  Apparently,  our bodies can't handle so much fresh air.  We all fell asleep. The kids are still sleeping,  And it shows me just how loud the neighborhood is.  The windows are open and I think we're finally brushing winter off for good. (Which is a big deal! )

Baby

There are times that I wish that Miles was able to nap without me holding him.  My house would be a little cleaner. I would be able to do some me stuff.  But then I would miss his smile when he wakes up and sees me.  I would miss his happy gurgles and his little hands reaching for my face. My house will stay messy.  My bows will go unmade. My baby will get mom's snuggles and kisses and whispered promises for as long as he needs them.