Still

Still, nearly seven years later,  my heart is screaming. Why.  What did I do.  Why. Why.  What did I do.  Tonight,  all I want to think about is her.  I want to close my eyes and hold my breath until I can remember her smell.  The way she felt in my arms.  The way she felt in my body.  The life that came before her death. I want more.  I want photographic evidence she was here.  I want to plan a sleepover for her giggling friends.  I want to hold her hand.  I want to hear her voice.  I want to feel her breath in my hair.  I want.  I want.  Why.  Why.  Why.  Still,  Why.

Miles

Seventeen days ago, our son was born. Right now, his daddy is feeding him a bottle, slowly. Little man has been spitting up for a few days. I think his tummy is upset right now. I'm trying to remember what I ate that would have made his tummy hurt. I have no idea. But before I forget more than I already have, this is his story.

   Mike and I got to the hospital at 5:45am on Thursday, December 5. I was there for prep at 6, surgery at 7:30. The receptionist was nice. That has nothing to do with anything, but it's true. We got into a room a few minutes later, and I got my beautiful gown on and we got the tv turned on to the news. The nurse came in and asked the question we would hear at least 30 times that day, "does this little one have a name?" He didn't yet. I signed all of the hospital forms, answered a million and one questions, some more than once. The nurse explained the process we were heading for. My doctor came in and said hello. I got my IV started, and I think the anesthesiologist came in and explained his part. I got up and walked to the OR. I thought that was crazy, having to walk to the OR. Mike got into his "bunny suit" and we went to the OR. When we walked in, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" was on the radio. I think that helped me calm down. I got up on the table and the anesthesiologist had me lay on my side so he could start the spinal. I asked for some acid reducer because I've had such bad reflux the past few weeks. It tasted like.. nasty. The doctor put in the spinal block, and it hurt. I started freaking out a little, but nothing compared to the panic I had with Sophia's c-section. As soon as the spinal was in, he had my lie down and they started getting everything ready. The anesthesiologist was amazing. He explained everything to me every step of the way. He told me if I felt like I couldn't breathe, to look at the monitor. I wasn't on oxygen yet, but my O2 was at 98. The spinal just made me feel like I couldn't take breaths. I stared at that monitor a lot. They checked my numbness, and put up the curtain. The doctor said she was starting. I had a warming blanket on my arms, and Mike was holding my hand. I kept an eye on the clock, because my doctor had told me that the surgery would last about 45 minutes. My doctor told me at one point that it was taking a little longer because of my scar tissue. Finally, they opened up and saw the baby. They started trying to get him out. And they tried. And they tried. They were joking about how he didn't want to come out. At one point, I felt someone pushing hard on my upper belly. I asked if someone was sitting on me. My doctor said, "it probably feels like that, but no." Finally, finally, they pulled our baby boy out and handed him to the nurse. She said he had red hair, and I almost jumped off the table. They took him to the warmer and started to clean him up. I honestly don't even remember if he was crying. Over the speaker in the OR, someone came on and said they needed the anesthesiologist in anther OR (I wish I could remember his name, because he was amazing!) they said that the "31.5 weeks twins were coming." It was a few minutes before he came to where I could see him and apologized and said he needed to leave for an emergency, but that if I needed anything at all, to let someone know, and he would be back. I told him no problem, I was fine! They wrapped my baby up and brought him over to Mike. His apgar scores were 9 and 9! Mike showed him to me, and I kissed him. Mike got to hold him the entire time they were tying my tubes and sewing everything up. All of the sudden, we were done and it was time to go. Our son was born at 8:05am. He weighed 6lbs, 2.6 ounces. He measured 20inches. The doctors/nurses got me onto another bed and handed my son to me. I held him on the way up to the room. My baby boy. Safe and sound. Mike told me they had to use a vacuum to get him out, because he was so stuck. The nurse said we would have to measure and keep an eye on his head because of the vacuum. But his head was fine. A small bruise, but it was gone in two days. My dad arrived and took some pictures, but I wouldn't let him hold the baby. We had promised Sophia she would be the first one to hold the baby. Mike's parents arrived shortly after, with our proud big sister. She sat down and held her brother. She glowed. She hasn't stopped glowing.

I'm in bed still, waiting for Sophia to wake up. She was so crazy last night, I hope she sleeps for another hour. This is our last big family day before our family grows. We are going to surprise her by taking her to see a movie (Frozen) and hopefully just spend the whole day smiling. The rest of this week is going to go by in a flash.
I'd almost forgotten to worry again. My ultrasounds and non-stress tests have gone so well that I just started assuming everything would be fine. Such a dangerous assumption. I worked a lot of hours this weekend for Black Friday/Saturday. I'm in a bit of pain (back and leg cramps mostly) because of it. Baby's been moving a ton when I get home though. Its thrown off his schedule, I think. I've woken up in the middle of the night to wait for him to move. I remembered this morning that the doctor said the cord could become a problem later in pregnancy. Now that he's so big, what if it can't sustain him? What if he doesn't get enough oxygen from me? Thankfully, I'm done at work, so I can stay home and "relax" for the next 3 days. I also have to pack for the hospital and clean for Christmas decorations. But I will take it as easy as I can. Thursday, we are having this baby. I hope to come home on Sunday. I'm trying to think positive thoughts and not freak out about kidneys and cords and surgery. I need to get through 3 days of kindergarten drop off and pick up. And a huge snow storm. And the Thanksgiving leftovers being gone. One thing at a time.

It won't stop

This has been a strange pregnancy. Very different from my girls. From how sick I've been, to the difference in my body. I've only gained 7 pounds, when with the girls I gained around 35. I feel great most of the time, but when I feel bad, I feel awful. I think I'm in more pain, but I think its mostly due to my age and the fact that I'm working part time. And this kid is A Mover. He moves so much, and he has gotten so strong, that it's painful at times. I don't know if he moves more, or if it's just because the placenta is in the back so I'm feeling more than I did when the placentas were in the front with the girls.

I had my last ultrasound yesterday. The baby's kidney issue has not gotten any worse! It's still there, but it's not looking as scary. Also, baby is growing. And growing. He is measuring a week and a half ahead! The weight guess was 5 lbs. 7oz. I know that's usually wrong, but woah.

I still have at least one moment of panic every day. It won't stop. Ever. Is he moving? When did I feel him move last? These last 2 weeks will be hard. I know that, and I know that we will get through them.

Sometimes

Some days, all I want to do is sleep. Today was most definitely one of those days. But instead, I went to work at 6am. After work, my friends and family threw us a baby shower. I have to confess that I was not feeling well. Two 6ams in a row and what I think is the remnants of food poisoning, I just didn't feel well at all. But we have these amazing friends. These amazing families. They came together today to help us celebrate the upcoming arrival of our baby boy. I am humbled to be part of such an amazing group of people. In fact, one of the friends throwing the shower is being induced with her first baby tomorrow. But here she was, throwing us a party. Another friend, the host, just moved into her house two weeks ago. It takes amazing people to do such things, and we know the best.

In spite of my almost overwhelming exhaustion today (hello crying fits over stupid crap) it is 11:30 pm and I am still awake. I've been awake for 19 hours. All I want to do is sleep but my head won't stop spinning. There are so many things going on in our life right now that I am dizzy. Good things, terrible things. The best things, the absolute worst things. Some nights I lie in bed and wonder how I made it through the day without exploding. Crying. Dissolving. I know how blessed we are. I know how much we have. I am grateful for so much. But I am also very angry right now. It doesn't do me any good. It doesn't change what is happening around us. I can put on my brave face all I want, joke about being ready to have this baby in 19 days. I can smile and laugh and joke about hormones. But underneath this, I am a mess. I am dissolving. I am flying apart in different directions and I don't know how much longer I will be able to hold it in. So I will blame hormones. I will joke about insomnia. I will cry for 10 second bursts and change the subject. I will be vague about the disasters that are changing our lives forever (to protect people's privacy). I will pack hospitals bags and wash baby clothes and pretend that this is the life we thought we would have. But underneath that, I know the truth, and even if I could sleep all day, the disasters will be there when I wake up. Luckily, so will the blessings.

We got some good news today. The baby is growing like crazy. He has more than caught up to his original EDD. The cord position doesn't seem to be affecting him at all. He moves more often now, but is still sneaky some days. The ultrasound showed him with his head under my right ribs, and his feet in his face. I know his feet will be slamming down on my bladder for the rest of the day, because that's my boy.

We also got some not amazing news. 4 weeks ago we were told that his right kidney was "slightly dilated." This is fairly common (1 in 100), especially in boys, from what I learned on Google. We were waiting to find out today if the dilation had gone away. It has not. It has actually increased. From what I gather, between talking to the u/s tech and my OB, we probably wont do anything about it until he is born. then he will need an u/s to find out if there is a blockage. He will then probably need surgery to fix it. As scary as this sounds, we are not overly concerned. We can't do anything about it right now. We can wait and we can see what happens. We can pray and we can prepare for his arrival. That's all. I feel like his kidney issues will be fine. Either they will resolve themselves, or our boy will need surgery upon arrival. Either way, we will get through this. My OB said she will be calling a high-risk OB for advice. Until then, we wait. We're also waiting for my glucose scores. Maybe this weekend we will buy the gray paint for the nursery. I have less than 10 weeks to go. 3 weeks from now, we will schedule my c-section, and we will have a countdown date.

I was going to post a couple of weeks ago about how quickly the fear fades. I've been feeling like everything is fine, this is the way pregnancy is supposed to go. I never had that with Sophia. But here I am, 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and it's back. I wake up at 2 am and think, "is he moving? why isn't he moving?" Nevermind the fact that I can barely even feel him most days. I know he will get stronger, and it will be easier to feel him, but I know that the 2 a.m.s wont go away. They're here forever. I feel like I will never sleep again.
Let's add to that. At our 19 week appointment, when we found out that we're having our first son, we also got some not-so-great news. He has a peripheral cord insertion, so we have to keep an extra eye on his growth. This means that the cord is attached to the placenta on the very edge, and at any time, he could stop receiving nutrients, and stop growing. The doctor reassured us, "Usually it's fine. If babies like this need to be taken early, it's not usually until around 37 weeks." Usually. I hate that word. So now I'm freaked out that I'm not getting enough nutrients in the first place, let alone to pass to him through my wonky umbilical cord. I would like to say that his growth now is perfect, he is measuring exactly, to the day, how he was from the first ultrasound at 7 weeks. But at 2 am, even that is not reassuring. At 2 am, all I can think is, "is it December yet? My body isn't a safe place for babies."