Halloween is coming. Did you know that this month has 5 fridays, 5 saturdays, and 5 sundays? And interesting tidbit for you...

Anyway, we don't know what Sophia is going to dress up as. She says she wants to be a princess, we just haven't found a good costume yet. The weather has definitely turned into Fall. It's a little bit chilly, but not quite jacket weather. 5:30am sucks, but we still haven't caved in and turned on the furnace. We'll just suffer for a few more days.

I've had a headache for a week straight. I assume it's my sinuses, and that the antibiotic I'm on will help. Otherwise I'll just cut it off.

I would really like to do better than 4 posts a month. It's not like I don't have the time. In fact, right now we're sitting in the chemo clinic- and have been for 2 hours. I've been reading magazines (1 paragraph at a time because I have very little in the way of an attention span here). But on the other hand, I don't have much to say. Mike's kidneys are doing better so they're doing the 125mg of Oxaliplatin again. His BP is still up though. I asked his doctor about the fact that he's doing "too well" as far as feeling okay vs. side effects. Does it mean this treatment isn't working? Of course not. Dr. Chandramouli said that some people have asked him very seriously if he was giving them Koolaid instead of chemo. But after the year we've had, it would not surprise me in the least if something in the lab got mixed up every time we came in and he was getting saline. Nitin said that isn't happening.

Flu season is coming fast. Sophia is getting her shot tomorrow. Mike probably Friday. I need to call my doctor and go in for mine. Yay.

It's a nice day. It rained last night so the world smelled clean this morning. The clouds are moving in and out and it's heating up, so it's humid. We're sitting by the window today. The clinic has their Halloween decorations up and it makes me feel lazy. Mine are still in Dea's garage. I guess we should go clean them out so they can have their space back.

I'm hungry. I want chinese food. Or indian. Mmmmm, chicken tikka masala....

Sophia had a fever for 5 days. But it's been gone since 1am, so we're thinking it's going going gone. It was scary high (103) but the doctor said it's a viral thing and wouldn't respond to antibiotics. I haven't slept in 4 nights. She actually ate tonight, so hopefully we'll get some sleep.

So here's the story...

Sept. 30, 2009- we signed the closing papers on our first house. Long story short, the previous owner flooded it the night before we got our keys. We got stuck with a lot of repairs. Luckily we have AMAZING family and friends that helped. A year later, it's finally feeling like home.

Sept. 30, 2010- Mike's company announces that they are selling the part of the company he works with (along with his mom, his sister [who bought a house last week] and several hundred other people with families). Nov. 1 they will announce their "plans" and will give the employees a 30 day notice. Basically, by Nov. 30 it is likely Mike will be out of a job. And yes, he carries the health insurance that is paying for his cancer treatment. It scares the hell out of me because there are so many people looking for jobs now. So many people living on unemployment. So many people without health insurance. We cannot be those people. We don't have a plan right now because we do not know what it going to happen. If some employees will be able to get jobs with the new company (we know that not all of them will). I've told my boss that I will be taking on more hours in the coming weeks. But not right now. Right now we're trying to breathe.

I'm trying to figure out how in the hell to get brave enough to sell my hair accessories online (etsy.com, probably). I don't know where my inferiority complex concerning my products comes from. It's cute stuff. I sell it cheap. What's the problem?

Anyway.. It's been in the mid to high 80s all week. Not cool (haha). It's October, for freaking sake. The 3T long-sleeved Halloween shirts I bought on clearance last year are just sitting in Sophia's closet, waiting for the weather to turn normal. It will probably just start snowing next week. Frick.

There are big, dark clouds coming out over the mountains. I didn't know there was supposed to be a storm this week. All of our windows are open. And if that isn't a metaphor for our lives the past 6 months...

We're sitting at the chemo clinic. Mike is trying to take a nap. It's so busy and full and annoying here that he might just be pretending. I don't blame him. My butt is numb from this crappy chair. Someone sat right next to us so I'm stuck out in the aisle, trying to fold myself up to not be in the way. There are 6 empty chairs that are not "this close" to someone. And she's loud. Loud. Anyway, everyone is hooked up their poison, so there's no moving now.

Mike's creatinine levels are high. 2.4, which I think is the highest they've been since he was in the hospital. So they decided not to give him any Oxaliplatin at all today. Which is not a good thing. This FOLFOX treatment has been shown to kick colon cancer's ass. But if he's not getting one of the major components of it, is it doing any good at all?

I hate coming here and seeing other young people. I wont lie, it's hard seeing anyone in here. Even older people. But people in their 20s and 30s? It makes me mad. And this weather isn't helping.

Time is rushing by so quickly, it seems like one day is just seeping into the next. It's nearing time for pumpkin patches and raking leaves. Our air conditioner broke last week, so I'm looking forward to cooler weather big time.

Nothing to report on the cancer front. Mike has a nice black cast on his right forearm. He only has to wear it for 4 weeks. 1 down, 3 to go. Or is it 2 and 2? Chemo this week. I have a list of questions for the doctor. And if all is going well with his kidney function, I'm guessing they'll give him more of the Oxaliplatin.

Alicia should be dropping Averi off any minute. The fire in Herriman has made it impossible for her to go to preschool today, and with the air being so bad, her little lungs can't handle it anyway. So we'll have two 2 year olds today. Probably some Dobie fights and a lot of crying. Luckily we slept really well last night (thank you Benedryl!) so it's going to be okay.

I took an extra crazy pill today. I've been having a very hard time with my emotions the past few days. I'm all over the place. But mostly I'm sad and I'm angry. And because I am sad and angry, I have a very short fuse with Sophia, who can tell that mommy is easily bothered. She's playing the "I don't have to listen to you" game again. Luckily, Mike has a lot of patience. And he knows I'm crazy lately.

I know it's not just pms. I know it's not just the changing seasons. I keep thinking about Charlotte. And about Laura. The past week, I keep getting confused, and thinking Laura is still alive. Let's just say it doesn't make for a happy moment when I remember that she's gone.

Dragonfly season is almost over. Maybe that's part of why my crazy brain is so full of damp cotton.

Mike's oncologist sent us up to the hospital after chemo today (which Mike is officially 1/2 done with, btw) to get his wrist looked at, set, and casted. To find out if he needs pins and surgery- which is apparently a huge deal if you have cancer. Dr. Chandramouli pulled out some favors and got us in. But of course when we got to the hospital with the xrays (that I made a trip home for while Mike was hooked up to the chemo crap) they told us we didn't have an appointment until Friday afternoon. Mike told the girl 3 times that his oncologist had set it up and we were supposed to be there today. No go, she said.

We got home and ran some errands and Mike looked at his phone which had a voicemail. It was the idiot girl from the Orthopedic Center telling us, oops- she made a mistake. Please come back before 4:00 today. Of course, by the time we got the message, it was 4:00. So he'll go in Friday at 4:00. This is the way our year has been. Wrong turns and detours. Hopefully my extra dose of Celexa will help me through the next pothole or 10. We know they're coming. It's like this roadtrip never ends.

The amusement is wearing off. I can honestly say that. I know the old saying, "if I don't laugh I'm going to cry," but I don't know if that's where I am. I'm just not laughing anymore.

I started this blog because I was going crazy. Since I'm visiting there again lately, I've been blogging in my head a lot. So many words in there. So much to say, but my fingers wont type what I think. And when I wake up in the morning, it's gone.

I'm tired. Tired of smiling and saying it's okay. We're fine. I know it's not normal to have this much put on us, but we're fine. We're fine. It wears you out. I've felt all summer like I had a light inside of me. That things were going to be okay because of this light. That we could smile and laugh and make jokes about cancer and broken bones because the light was on. But today It seems like it's just a cheap light bulb. And it's flickering. Obviously, I'm not giving up, we're still going to be fine. But today I am tired. Today I am spread out all over the world- those pieces of myself I've given away. Today I am worn out because the pieces I have left don't fit right.