So I've skipped a few days. A few days of my "I'm going to post something every day, no matter how lame, blog." There has been a lot of ups and a lot of downs this past week. I'm expecting the ups to outweigh the rest and the sun to start shining more frequently. But that could just be the fact that Spring starts in a few days. I'm ready to see the tulips blooming. I'm ready to start smelling freshly cut grass and taking Sophia to the park to run and play and swing and slide. I'm ready to start having backyard barbecues in our new house. To plant seeds and water them and watch them grow.

So Far Behind

I am so far behind where I want to be right now. What I should have done. Not only around the house, but in this blog. And on my hobbies.

And what am I doing? staring at a computer screen blankly. I have no idea what I am supposed to be typing, or where I want this to go. All I seem to be able to do today is to sit still and feel my blood rushing through my veins. The thing that worries me the most is how appealing it is to just keep sitting still.

Today was gorgeous. I stepped outside and took a deep breath of cool air and was thankful to be alive. That's something.

The Beginning

I'm really good at starting things. Really good.

I tend to do pretty well at the beginning and the middle. The finished product is somewhat lacking. I don't know why. I know it makes me sound lazy and irritating. Which I'm not. Unless I am. We'll see how it goes.

While I remember I have a blog

I'll just jump in long enough to say oops- I keep forgetting I have a blog.

Bad Marinda.

I'll try to be better.

'Tis the Struggle

You know the dreams where it feels like you're falling? The kind that you wake up from, gasping for air?
That's how I've been feeling almost constantly for the past few days. Yes, you knew it was coming- another blog about my Charlotte. Because it is this time of year that I miss her the most. That I can't stop thinking about her. About how it felt to lose her. About how it felt to be without her on her first Christmas last year. And about how it felt when she lived inside of me. And all of these things make me feel selfish.
Look at what I have. A perfect daughter, about to have her first Christmas. A wonderful husband, who works so damn hard to bring home the money we need for food, shelter, diapers. And all I can think is, "It isn't enough." Why isn't this enough? I have 1,000x more of everything than many people have of anything. And it's not enough. Which makes me a horrible person. A horrible friend, wife, mother. Because I have so much and yet, I am beginning to wonder, to question.

Up until now, I haven't really questioned. I was a good little solider and I didn't ask (at least not often) "Why, God, why?" And really, to be honest, I'm still not asking that question. What I want to know is "Why not". Why is it that Laura visits my dreams so often. She comes to me and we rarely talk, but we hug and we cry and we love each other. In my dreams she forgives me for being a monster of a sister. For yelling at her for being a kid. For not inviting her to all my parties. She visits me, and I know it's not just a dream. It is a true visit from my sister. But for nearly two years, I have been asking, praying, begging- for a visit from my daughter. The girl I loved from the moment I saw the two lines. The girl I prayed for every night and woke with every morning. I ask God to please PLEASE let me see her, let me hold her again. Even if it's only a dream, please let her visit. Please let me close my eyes and hold my baby in my arms, let me feel what it's like to tuck her into her bed, to comb her hair and hear her voice saying "Mommy". Let me have a little piece of my baby.
But it doesn't happen. It never happens. And all I can think is "why not?" And because I don't get answers from God, I have my own. Because it was my fault? Did I do something, or not do something that caused her to die? All of the doctors can't answer me, and the one who can, God- well, He isn't talking. Does she not WANT to come and see me? Is that why I am not allowed to see her? Does she blame me for not protecting her? Because I didn't. Whatever happened to her, I am the only one who was supposed to keep her safe. Was it something I did even before I got pregnant? Some pill I took, an antibiotic or allergy pill, that messed up her chances of survival? I know we have gone this round before. The doctors could agree on this at least. It wasn't my fault. But what if I could go back and do things differently? It haunts me. Not only because I don't know what the outcome would be, but because I cannot do it anyway. Even if given that chance. Because one little change would take Sophia away from me, and she is my greatest joy. And some people might say that there is my answer. I lost Charlotte so that I would have Sophia when I did. But why is that okay, to take one for another?

It's Sophia now who catches me when I feel like I am falling. It only takes a smile, a laugh, a stinker face. Her calling for mama. And I find my feet underneath me again. And I know this will become less of a struggle. As the years go on, I will find more and more peace. I know these things. But I want to know now. Why not? Why not now? Is it really just the season? Was it the damned book? (Sorry Becca, I'm not blaming it or you- it's just what started me reeling again.) Is it just the feeling that I'm not good enough? Because I cannot do it all, I didn't deserve the chance? Whatever it is, I wish it would go away. I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling like I am falling into nothing, especially when I know I have so much. I have so many people that will catch me. And I know it, I just can't feel it right now. I'm tired of lying awake in bed wondering what my dreams will bring, and worse- waking up disappointed. Again and again.

But beyond all of this. And there is a beyond. We are celebrating. Everyday, in between bouts of doubt. Sophia is here with us and I am beyond grateful for her. For this chance, to see her unwrap a doll on Christmas. To put her in her Christmas jammies and send her to bed with a promise that Santa will come by morning. I have been waiting for this chance for two long years. And I am not wasting it.

Our First Halloween

Isn't until next week, but we're excited!! I keep forgetting that I have to keep this blog up to date. It seems like I never have time, but that's only because I spend all of my time in the sandbox. Sophia is going to be a pumpkin this year. But we also have a leopard costume and a pink fairy costume (that I made and am kind of embarrassed by). We'll see how many times she allows me to dress her up. Sophia got to meet her uncle Jeremiah and cousin Wyatt for the first time. We're very excited to see them again at Christmas! This month we went to the pumpkin patch with our friends. Sophia, Averi and Makenzie were great about their mommies taking 200 pictures of them. Poor girls! A few days later, Sophia and I took our friends Jessie and Grayson to the zoo. Grayson loves all of the animals. Sophia doesn't love my camera. :) We also went to our first Walk To Remember this month. It's a walk for our lost babies. We had a balloon release and all of the babies names were read. It's a SHARE program, and it was really wonderful. It was also really cold that day. Sophia hasn't been sleeping very well this month, ever since she got sick. So I really should be in bed right now, getting what sleep I can before she wakes up and wants to crawl into my bed. I will try very hard to remember this blog and not wait so long to update it.